The Siren Song of Salami

As some of you may have read in this post I’ve recently commenced my mid-life crisis.

And far from being the relaxing slide into self-absorbed indulgence I had thought it would be, the crisis has actually turned out to require a fair bit of input from ME!

Soul searching, navel gazing. I tell you some days it’s just one more ting on my fucking to do list!

This internal “stock take” has been a bit of a double edged sword.

I have been able to congratulate myself on my achievements which are, in no particular order…

– Three children who are well-behaved, quiet ummm, let just say they’re “characters” full of spark and wonderful little quirks

– A career that, although it has taken many twists and turns, is at least now pretty much on track

– Fantastic friends both IRL and online

– A good relationship with a man who, apart from his habit of leaving his socks on the lounge room floor, is as good a man as you could want.

But I’ve also had to face the fact that there are some things I definitely thought i’d be better at by now. This was a less comfortable list to write but here goes…

– I still drink far too quickly for the first two drinks at any party.

I think it’s a combination of nerves and the feeling (which any parent will relate to) of having to cram as much fun into an evening as possible, since it may be several months until I have another opportunity to get out and socialise.

– My relationship with exercise is still very much an “on & off” affair.

After an awesome period of being “on” last year, exercise and I are currently very much in the “off” stage of the relationship cycle. So once again I am trying to re-kindle the spark there.

Believe me I could go on and on but in the interests of not boring or depressing you I’ll only add one more point.

There is one thing I definitely hoped I’d be better at by now and that is…

Self Control

Need an example? Picture this if you will…

I’m in the shopping centre with my boys. We’re standing at the deli counter with our ticket waiting for the teenager behind the counter to notice we exist.

And then it happens.

One of the boys, looking aimlessly at the olives, cheeses and smallgoods in the cabinet, will suddenly have a brain-wave…

“Mum, can we make home made pizza?”

Innocent enough you may think? Sure it is – on the surface. But you see I know what’s coming next and it strikes terror into my heart.

“I know! We should get some salami while we’re here at the deli. We can put it on the pizza”.

Cue a chorus of excited “Yeahs” as the other two boys congratulate who ever it was on having the foresight to not only suggest a dinner that is practically take-away, but also for suggesting an ingredient that will make it taste even more like the real thing.

Here lies the tragedy… that salami will never make it on to the pizza

What will happen instead is that at regular intervals throughout the afternoon I will be drawn, as if by an invisible force, to the fridge. Once there I may put up a token resistance…

“No… no, I mustn’t. I shouldn’t. Oh God help me!!!”

Me doing my best "mills & Boon" heroine pose trying to resist the lure of the evil salami!

Me doing my best “mills & Boon” heroine pose trying to resist the lure of the evil salami!

To no avail. The primal call of the salami is too strong and I succumb over and over again until finally late in the afternoon I’ll go back one last time.

All that will be there is a small, sad, empty plastic bag. A bag that was once full of so much pizza-ish promise. Now empty.

So there I stand forlornly in front of the fridge knowing that I have just eaten ALL the salami. Slightly ill, full of salami and remorse I think to myself…

Salami

I’m almost 36 years old. How can I not know when enough salami is enough?

What about you? What makes you lose your self control. Is it something wicked and decadent like pate or dark chocolate. Or is it just plain gross like salami?

What did YOU think you’d better at by now?

Linking up with The Lounge over at Musings of the Misguided because losing your self control is not only encouraged it’s damn well expected!

The Lounge

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44 comments on “The Siren Song of Salami

  1. Tegan says:

    Cheese and biscuits are my downfall. I have discovered Colby cheese and let’s just say that it’s not pretty. I try not to have biscuits AND cheese in the house at the same time but when I do…there will be mass consumption of both.

  2. Kim says:

    SALAAAAAAMIIIIIII i hear you. Don’t ever buy it in knob form. You’ll be lost. Big chunky chunks you can carry around with you. I too am a party drink guzzler, shamed and embarrassed when I realise everyone else is delicately sipping their champagne while my first glass is near empty. Goddamn nerves and enthusiasm. They suck. Harder than salami. x

    • Rachel says:

      *snigger* Knob form *snigger*. That’s up there with Uranus. Except not, because that would HURT! I’m the same with the drinks – hlding on to my empty glass while everyone else is only halfway through their first. I’m just not a lady-like sipper – hardly surprising I suppose considering I don’t do ladylike in any other area of my life.

      And you have given me my saying for the month – from this point EVERYTHING will suck harder than salami xx

  3. BOYEATSWORLD says:

    I wish I had the opportunity not to resist it! We let salami loose in our house and the kids have pilfered it before it even makes the fridge. Little Pelicans! Thank goodness they’re too young to get to my wine…

    • Rachel says:

      Pelicans! Yes that is exactly what they’re like isn’t it? Everything just disappears down their gullets – especially anything a little gourmet. Mine have to be shooed away from the brie and olives and prosciutto at parties!

  4. I could have written this post, except for the salami bit (which I know is a very big part of the post). I’m with Tegan … it’s cheese and crackers for the win.

    • Rachel says:

      Oh god don’t even get me started on CHEESE! I would have cheese and biscuits for dinner if I could – except I can’t because I have to at least try set a nutritional example for the boys. It sucks!

  5. Ness says:

    Basically it’s all food with me. Especially chocolate and cakies. The easiest thing would be to just not buy them, right? But I still do. And then wonder why I’m fat. Sigh.

  6. Me says:

    My latest addiction (because it changes from time to time) is the paleo coconut rough that I have been making. One quantity of the recipe wasn’t enough – I made 4 times the original quantity and that is now nearly finished – 4 days after I made it !!!
    Have the best day !
    Me

  7. Oh Lord, the salami or prosciutto in my case, never makes it on the pizza. Then we just call Crust. Hey I dialed it myself??

    • Rachel says:

      Yeah prosciutto will do and so will pancetta. God they are all so good! And you’re right to dial because if I’d just done that I wouldn’t have even HAD the salami in the first place. Fucking cooking – it’s no good for you at all 😉

  8. katyberry says:

    The trick for me is to NOT START. If I can successfully Not Start, then things are fine. What I simply cannot do is MODERATION. All or nothing, baby!
    A common area I run into problems with is chorizo – you know when you slice it up and fry it in order to add to paella or whatever. And then I eat it. So whilst you have to find another dinner solution because you’ve eaten all the salami, I have to serve up a half-arsed dish because I have already started cooking by the time I have eaten the main ingredient!

    • Rachel says:

      ARRRGGHHH! Chorizo my love why do you taunt me so? Yes those little fried bits are awesome. I’m obviously just a sucker for small-goods baby:)
      Thanks for visiting Katrina x

  9. Mrs D says:

    Salami is the boss. One of my kids doesn’t like it, which clearly puts him in the ‘who the fuck are you related to?’ category.

  10. Oh lord! Salami is second only to Nutella. Salami, Nutella, why do you torture me so???? Whyyyy???? Oh god the shaaaaaammmmeeeeee….

    • Rachel says:

      Oh yeah Nutella straight out of the jar – that has guilty pleasure written all over it. And yeah after the salami binge there is always the SHAAAAMME! Especially when one of the boys says “Mummy didn’t we get some salami at the shops?”. Kills me every time…

  11. Mumabulous says:

    Oh you’ve thrown me a good one here. I’m running in to catch it and I’m taking it over the line. Rachel – I’m going to send Dave Grohl over to your place to hide the salami. HONK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • robomum says:

      Mumabulous!!!!! I was just about to leave my comment and I read yours! HONKbackatchya!

      I have trouble with salami too.. There is a post in it at some point.

    • Rachel says:

      Shit Brenda, I read your comment just after I’d put the boys to bed. All three then immediately reappeared in the lounge to ask what was wrong because I literally SHOUTED laughter.
      HONK indeed!! You can send Mr Grohl over anytime 😉 And I’ll raise you another bit of ranga crumpet that you missed in your last post – I’ll pop him on your facebook page.

      • Marti says:

        I’m far too slow… this post was begging for a hide the salami comment! Don’t know if I should be high five-ing or hiding my head in shame that my mind dwells in the same gutter as you lot!

      • Mumabulous says:

        C’mon you must have known it was coming. It was just too easy.

  12. That dirty ole’ ‘meat’ rolls lasts about 1 hour in our house – it’s the shape, smell and the how BAD it is for us! You’re a great mumma of three and as mental as me!
    As for drinking too much too early – NO SUCH THING RACH
    Em 🙂

    • Rachel says:

      It is so BAD! I doubt it has even one nutritionally redeeming feature! But it’s so good too. And I’ll remember your drinking approach next time I feel bad for sculling my first champers while everyone else is demurely sipping 😉

  13. I do sympathise. It’s baked goods for me. I make cupcakes or some sort of muesli slice with the kids expecting to fill their lunch boxes for a week – and a day later, they’re whining that there’s nothing in the biscuit jar. And they are right. I have now quit sugar in a desperate bid for self control. Is there an I Quit Salami cookbook? If not, you should write one!

    • Rachel says:

      How is the quit-sugar thing going? It seems quite the thing these days and while I don’t doubt it’s health benefits I wonder how practical it is. I am ALL about practicality 🙂 That said I HAVE made pikelets with the intention of having some to put in the boys lunches – and that so didn’t happen!

  14. I can so relate to the Salami – buy it for the kids, but…Other than that there’s wine (of course) and my secret weakness is Natural Confection Company Snakes. Do we ever outgrow lollies? I have been know to eat almost an entire packet of them in fits of childishness or something. Speaking of mid-life crisis woman, you are practically a child. Stare down the barrel of 45 and try it for size!

    • Rachel says:

      Yes I’m a closet lolly eater. I buy them for birthday parties and then have to go out an buy MORE because I’ve scoffed them all over a period of a couple of days. And as for my midlife crisis I’m just in the early phase – by 45 I expect to just be hitting my straps 😉

  15. Luisa Munoz says:

    Anything made from pastry – savoury or sweet – it’s in my belly like a flash! First time reader {Waves} I’m over at The Motherhood Herald via The Lounge 🙂

  16. Raspberry liquorice bullets in white chocolate ….
    Yum Yum … and all sorts of other things!

    • Rachel says:

      OMG yes! I have only just had one for the first time this week and they are sooo good! The IT manager in our office keeps a lolly jar on his desk and got me to try one. Delish 🙂

  17. Marti says:

    I second This Charming Mum- cakes, pastries, slices- absolutely no self control.

    Pretty much any ‘Bakery Treats’, as we call them around here, are marked for termination. Unfortunately they have nowhere near the smutty double entendre potential as salami *sigh*

    • Rachel says:

      My family is also partial to bakery treats. Custard slice, caramel slice, iced buns.. YUM! But I’m a savoury girl mostly so go the sausage roll. I’m sure Mumabs will be able to do SOMETHING with the “sausage” bit 😉

  18. Sarah Mac says:

    Jaffa Cakes … I even put the empty packet in the cupboard in the hope that no one will realise until a decent interval has passed that I actually scoffed the lot BEFORE they even got as far as the cupboard …

    • Rachel says:

      Ohhhhhh Jaffa Cakes! I haven’t had one since I lived in the UK (14 years ago now – god I am SO old!) but I remember them well. So easy to just pop one after the other until oops I’ve done it again. Thanks for visiting Sarah x

  19. EmmaK says:

    lol I am 42 and have no control over any fatty delicious food like salami, cake or chocolate so please don’t beat yourself up about it. Did someone say Jaffa Cakes……oh god they are so good…and what about Tim Tams while we’re on the topic of orgasmic cookies?

    • Rachel says:

      Oooohhh Jaffa Cakes. I haven’t had one since I left the UK over 12 years ago but even reading the name can make me salivate like Pavlov’s dog! Thanks for visiting, Emma. i’m off to check out your blog now xx

  20. Alex aka WHOA MUMMA! says:

    Oh Gawd, I just ate so much cheese. Damn Colby and your evil deliciousness. If I needed a blood transfusion my blood type would probably be C (for cheese). I can’t have salami in the house either. Even if it’s giving me a belly ache I will go back for more.

  21. Grace says:

    Bahahaha! What is it with salami and lack of self control? I blame all that salt! I’m the same with salt and vinegar chips. See? It’s that sodium content issue again.

    • Rachel says:

      I think you might be right Grace. I like my cakes and chocolate but I LOVE my savoury snacks. Cheese is another big one, and I’m also a salt and vinegar chip fiend. And don’t get me started on Twisties! And you’re right – all chock full of salt. Something to think about…

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