We need to talk about …

We need to talk about wait-staff

Howdy folks!

I’ve recently noticed a worrying trend among the cafes, bars and restaurants in our fair city, and I feel it’s something that needs to be addressed before it get’s totally out of hand.

To put it bluntly…We need to talk about wait-staff.

The easiest way to demonstrate what I’m talking about it through this little photo sequence I’ve put together…

Back in my university days in the early 00’s I was a waitress at an exclusive, members only gentlemans club. And just to clarify, it was the type of club that was full of stuffy lawyers and politicians, not the other type that’s full of hooters and lap-dances… but I digress.

Anyway when I was a waitress I looked something like this

Just kidding! Butter knives are a way more effective way of taking out annoying customers...

Just kidding! Butter knives are a way more effective way of taking out annoying customers…

Thankfully I’m now on the customer side of the equation when I go out, and on a good day I look something like this.

This is me about to go and see a band last year. As you can see sometimes I even hire a wind machine to make sure my hair has that 80's film clip look ;)

This is me about to go and see a band last year. As you can see somtimes I even hire a wind machine to make sure my hair has that 80’s film clip look 😉

So what’s the problem you ask?

The problem is that these days my wait-person will more than likely look like this…

Hipster waiters: definitely cooler than thou...

Hipster waiters: definitely cooler than thou…

I’m not sure when this happened or where it came from. Is it some misguided attempt by restaurant owners to make us feel like we’re actually at some “rilly awesome” house party? Is it just that “hipster” culture has finally made it to our rather mainstream city?

I don’t know the answer and quite frankly I don’t care, because result is the same no matter what the cause.

In short, there is nothing quite as intimidating, quite as soul-destroying, as getting dressed up and going out somewhere only to find that your wait person is hipper, cooler and more fashionable than you have ever been or ever will be.

In this moment all your hard-won self-esteem and “damn, you’re a sexy minx” affirmations die a slow horrible death. It’s over amigo.

Now I’m a 35 year old woman with 3 kids and a partner who works weekends, so when I get a night out I want it to be fan-fucking-tastic. I can’t afford to take a hit on this issue, people – and to put it bluntly you guys are wrecking my vibe!

So in an attempt to restore balance in the equation between wait-person and patron, here is my ultimate code of conduct for wait-staff…

1. Uber-cool attitude
In fact, scratch that. If there is anything about you, whether its your level of coolness, stylishness or avant-gardeness that could be accurately described by the prefix “uber” then do us all a favour and leave it the fuck at home.

Especially if you happen to be an uber-asshole.

2. Normal person clothes
If I can’t distinguish you from any of the other legions of Gen Y dudes and dudettes in the venue then you’re out of line, punk!

3. “Statement” accessories
The following accessories are on my personal shit-list for waitstaff, and for very good reasons too…

"Statement Accesories" Shit List

“Statement Accesories” Shit List

4. Over-friendliness
If I happened to see a friend or a colleague in a restaurant or bar I might ask them to take a seat at my table. If you are my wait-person for the day then you are neither of those things so get your ass of that chair/bench seat and take my goddamn order like a professional dammit!

I hope after reading this you’ll see the value in making this code standard operating procedure for all wait-people within our fair city. Don’t wait until the first person chokes on a face stud or is accidentally strangled by their own braces.

Act now.. before the uber-fatalities begin.