Good evening and welcome to Channel 13 National News, I’m Jeff Carlson.
Well it’s here again – the annual outbreak of the Christmania Virus. As in previous years the first cases were reported in early December with numbers increasing over the last few weeks in the lead up to the penultimate viral event: Christmas Day.
Doctors warn that the 2013 strain of the virus is particularly virulent and that levels of infection could be running as high as 98% of the population.
President of the FDA (Festive Disease Authority), Dr. Esmerelda Higginbotham said that there had been a worrying increase in certain symptoms that made this likely.
“We’ve seen an increase carolling, which is very serious. Individuals are finding themselves inexplicably drawn into groups, united by the primal urge to inflict badly sung Christmas songs on their unsuspecting neighbours.”
Today is Christmas Eve and we are entering the critical final 24 hours prior to Christmas.
As virus levels are reach their peak Channel 13 National News has the news on serious outbreaks throughout the city…
Location: Poseidon’s Trident Seafood Wholesalers
One of the most baffling symptoms suffered by victims of the Christmania Virus is compulsive crustacean consumption or “Triple C” as it is commonly known.
Sufferers are driven mad by a lust for all manner of crustaceans, with prawns seeming to be particularly sought-after. In serious cases sufferers can actually become “prawn zombies” capable of committing acts of unspeakable violence to secure their seafood booty.
George Samonides, owner of Poseidon’s Trident Seafood, said he had been forced to hire armed guards to assist with this year’s pre-Christmas sales after several of his staff were menaced by prawn zombies in 2012.
“Look, at the end of the day if things get nasty we just give them what they want. What else can we do? They’re just prawns – it’s not worth risking someone’s life for a couple of kilos of seafood.”
Location: Westfield Lakeside Lakes – Car Park
If you’ve ever wanted to experience what Dante’s ninth circle of hell was really like then you need go no further than the car park at Westfield Lakeside Lakes.
Eye-witness accounts tell us that traffic in this car park has been gridlocked since 15th December and experts say there is no chance of relief until after the Boxing Day sales.
Adding to the chaos is the fact that many customers have abandoned their vehicles altogether. Starvation and and and fear of not being able to secure certain Play Station games have made people desperate, with one weary consumer saying…
“Yeah, we’ve decided to walk home. It’s about 15km so we should be home in a day and a half, which is MUCH quicker than trying to get the car out of the carpark. We’ll be back for the it in mid-January once the virus has died down.”
It’s not all doom and gloom though!
Families like the the Duke family have turned lemons into lemonade and planned their entire festive season around the car park gridlock.
“Yep, we’re camping here in the caprpark until 5th January. We got here on the 18th December and were lucky to get in,” said Mr. Duke.
“Mother and I went in the get the presents and groceries for Christmas dinner while the kids watched Despicable Me II on the in-car DVD system. We’ve attached a tarp to the back of the Pajero to give us some extra space and we brought our camp oven along so we’ve got everything we need really.”
Well that brings us to the end of our broadcast, but we’ll be crossing LIVE to various locations throughout the evening.
Make sure you don’t miss our in-depth story at 8.30pm on the Lakeside Drive conflict. For those who are not familiar, residents of Lakeside Drive north have declared war on the residents of Lakeside Drive south over their approach to outdoor Christmas lights.
Residents on the north end Lakeside Drive tried to enforce a tasteful low-key theme of red, green and gold lighting which has been summarily rejected by residents on the south end who stand by their right to multi-coloured lighting enhanced by giant inflatable Santas.
While the conflict is not yet armed, informers tell us that tensions are running high and that violence could break out at any time. A resident of north Lakeside (who has chosen not to be named) spoke to our reporter earlier this evening…
“Look at those south Lake-siders! You see what happens when you give in to the lure of multi-coloured lights? Children dancing around just gazing at them and some of them even dancing with joy! It’s positively HEATHEN if you ask me”.
This Jeff Carlson signing off. Stay safe people and for the love of god don’t cross a prawn zombie…