I am 2014

Anno Domini

*Subdued knocking*

HR: Come in!

* Shuffling noises from behind the door, which remains closed *

HR: Helloooo? I said come in!

2014: Oh hey, sorry I just… I wasn’t sure if you were the right person to…

*swallows audibly*

… I have some concerns about my role and I uhhh … wondered if I could discuss them with you?

HR: (kindly) Of course you can! That’s exactly what I’m here for. What’s on your mind?

I have some concerns  about my role...

I have some concerns about my role…

2014: Well as you know I’ve been in the Anno Domini internship program since I graduated two years ago, and I’ve loved every minute of it. I mean I’ve always wanted to be a Year ever since I was a kid so getting into the AD program was like a dream come true for me.

HR: OK before we go any further let me just pull your file… *roots around in filing cabinet*

Here it is!

(reads) Intern for the Year 2014. Graduated with honours in your Bachelor of Time Studies degree, excellent performance reviews from all your managers during your time at AD…

Sounds like your on your way to a very promising career!

2014: Yeah see that’s just it. I’m due to go “live”, as we say, tomorrow and I’m not sure I’m ready.

I mean the expectations people are putting on me are huge. HUGE! People I’ve never even freakin’ met are placing the entire responsibility for their future happiness on me. That’s a heavy burden man…

HR: Yes but you KNEW that this was going to happen. The “Managing New Years Expectations” unit in the intern program covers this extensively. Every year we’ve ever produced has had to go through this baptism of fire in their first month but the research has shown conclusively that by the end of January expectations have once again returned to manageable levels.

Essential reading for all AD interns

Essential reading for all AD interns

I understand it’s daunting but you’ll be fine, really you will! And we’re all here to support you so…

2014: With all due respect I’m not sure you’re right about that.

See it’s not just about resolutions anymore. Oh no these days it’s all about “challenges” that are specifically designed to last the full 12 months!

HR: (smiling indulgently) We’ve seen those come and go before. It’s usually fitness related am I right?

Or there was that one a few years ago about being grateful every day? That was a bit worrying for a while. But it was just so IRRITATING we figured it would never really take off.

I mean if you’re going around spouting off about everything you’re grateful for, you’re going to come off like some kind of demented Mary Poppins. Only more smug. You’d be lucky to have a friend left by the end of the year and even your family would probably be screening your calls…

2014: Oh no it’s still alive and well, as well as a million others. I’m not afraid to say quite frankly that it’s got me terrified.

People might actually start seeing these things through. And let’s face it – if they stick to their “challenge” the implied deal is that they will, in some way or another, hit the metaphorical “life jackpot”. That their lives will be better, more satisfying and ultimately closer to perfection.

Goddammit how am I supposed to perform under those conditions!

I want to concentrate on the big stuff. You know there’s a good chance that I could the year that gay marriage is legalised? Both 2012 AND 2013 had a crack at it but neither of them quite made the grade.

I could totally BE that year! That’s the kind of year people remember – that’s the kind of year that puts you in the history books for fuck sake.

Or I could be the year Spotify finally achieves world domination over iTunes – I mean it’s not in the same league but I’d still be happy with that as a legacy …

HR: Well yes, they’re both admirable goals for Year to aspire to…

2014: … but I can’t afford to take my eye off the ball.

I’ve been talking to 2013. I thought he did a pretty good job this year. But all you have to do is take a look at Twitter and man, the punters are CRUCIFYING him out there.

I tell you, everything from their failed diets to their fucked up interpersonal relationships is his fault. It’s harsh – really harsh.

And if I get a natural disaster? I’m going to have my hands full enough without people wanting to level up because they’ve made it through 6 months of “clean eating” whatever the fuck that is. Or, god spare me, achieved 12 months of “mindfulness”.

I mean if you’re a sentient being I think you’ve pretty much got that last one covered unless you’ve magically morphed into a fucking ROCK since the previous year…

HR: I’m sorry 2014 I’m going to have to stop you there.

2014: What! I thought you said this was the place to discuss my concerns? I haven’t even started on the wellness challenges out there…

HR: I did, but the fact is you’re out of time.

2014: What do you mean?

HR: What I mean is, you’re on. Right…..


2014: Oh Fuuuuuccckkkkkkkk…….

2014 final

Happy 2014 people.. ready or not it’s here to stay! Hope it’s your best year yet 🙂

And thank you so much once again for continuing to hang out with me here. You will never know what it has meant to me xx

11 comments on “I am 2014

  1. Ness says:

    Mindfulness? That is SO 2013! I’m sure they’ll come up with something else for 2014, whatever it is hope it’s a good year for you! Love it! xo

    • Rachel says:

      Oh god there are that many new “challenges” out there – 52 weeks of this 365 days of that. Meanwhile I’m too busy shoveling enormous amounts of food into constantly hungry boys to even KNOW where my mind is half the time!

      Hope 2014 is excellent for you guys xx

  2. Plaudits to you for not adopting this Common Era nonsense. (It’s so common, after all.) Looking forward to reading you a lot more in 2014 A.D.

    • Rachel says:

      My dear Ed it is very common indeed and it’s comforting to know that I can rely on people like you to recognize this universal truth. Likewise looking forward to reading more from my favourite local satirists 🙂

  3. You are WAY to smart and intelligent for me Rach!!!!! I can’t wait until the end of the month, before we meet I must get reading some encyclopedias! Hee hee! I wish you and your family the best of health and lots of laughs in 2014!!!! Em xxx

    • Rachel says:

      NO WAY!! Don’t even say that! Plus you only have to look at my WTF Friday posts to see how immature and ridiculous I really am 🙂 Can’t wait to meet you either and wishing you and your lot a wonderful 2014. Believe me things get a little easier every year xx

  4. Katyberry says:

    Oh great, so I read this AFTER I write my goals for 2014, and despite your kind words, you think I’m a twat!!!
    Well I’ll tell you what! I’m GRATEFUL that I don’t have your levels of cynicism. (Except maybe I secretly do too – but not where my goals are concerned, dammit)

    • Rachel says:

      Calm down Katyberry, I do NOT think you are a twat! Here’s the thing – you write about your professional and personal journey to reach your potential. Whereas I write about the exact opposite – as it says in my tagline I write about the stuff that would get me fired if I said it at work! (Although to be honest a fair bit of cynicism and other inappropriateness leaks out at work sometimes but luckily they put up with me!).

      Just because I write about one doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the other. Your goals are intelligent, attainable SMART goals (as in the management theory sense that all goals should be specific, measurable, achievable, relevant & within a timeframe.) They are personal and professional KPIs that you have set for yourself. I admire that even though I’m not in the kick-ass goal-setting headspace myself at the moment.

      The stuff I’m poking fun at in this post is he exact opposite. It’s things like “365 photo a day” challenges or “52 weeks of grateful” etc. that don’t really have any meaningful impact but give people inflated sense of achievement when they follow them. But like everything else here that is just my opinion!

      So un-knot your knickers woman!And if I ever find out you’ve kept a gratitude journal I reserve the right to tease you mercilessly about it 😉

  5. Well, I’ll just keep my, er, wellness, you know, challenges, to myself. But this is serious laugh out loud stuff – which is also good for your health. Very clever 🙂

    • Rachel says:

      Lol Lara not at all! I’m actually quite inspired by people going after their goals. There just seen to be SO many more than there were this time last year (although that could just be because I was only just discovering blogs this time last year). Anyway hope you have an awesome 2014 and achieve everything you’re aiming for 🙂

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