HR: Come in!
* Shuffling noises from behind the door, which remains closed *
HR: Helloooo? I said come in!
2014: Oh hey, sorry I just… I wasn’t sure if you were the right person to…
… I have some concerns about my role and I uhhh … wondered if I could discuss them with you?
HR: (kindly) Of course you can! That’s exactly what I’m here for. What’s on your mind?
2014: Well as you know I’ve been in the Anno Domini internship program since I graduated two years ago, and I’ve loved every minute of it. I mean I’ve always wanted to be a Year ever since I was a kid so getting into the AD program was like a dream come true for me.
HR: OK before we go any further let me just pull your file… *roots around in filing cabinet*
Here it is!
(reads) Intern for the Year 2014. Graduated with honours in your Bachelor of Time Studies degree, excellent performance reviews from all your managers during your time at AD…
Sounds like your on your way to a very promising career!
2014: Yeah see that’s just it. I’m due to go “live”, as we say, tomorrow and I’m not sure I’m ready.
I mean the expectations people are putting on me are huge. HUGE! People I’ve never even freakin’ met are placing the entire responsibility for their future happiness on me. That’s a heavy burden man…
HR: Yes but you KNEW that this was going to happen. The “Managing New Years Expectations” unit in the intern program covers this extensively. Every year we’ve ever produced has had to go through this baptism of fire in their first month but the research has shown conclusively that by the end of January expectations have once again returned to manageable levels.
I understand it’s daunting but you’ll be fine, really you will! And we’re all here to support you so…
2014: With all due respect I’m not sure you’re right about that.
See it’s not just about resolutions anymore. Oh no these days it’s all about “challenges” that are specifically designed to last the full 12 months!
HR: (smiling indulgently) We’ve seen those come and go before. It’s usually fitness related am I right?
Or there was that one a few years ago about being grateful every day? That was a bit worrying for a while. But it was just so IRRITATING we figured it would never really take off.
I mean if you’re going around spouting off about everything you’re grateful for, you’re going to come off like some kind of demented Mary Poppins. Only more smug. You’d be lucky to have a friend left by the end of the year and even your family would probably be screening your calls…
2014: Oh no it’s still alive and well, as well as a million others. I’m not afraid to say quite frankly that it’s got me terrified.
People might actually start seeing these things through. And let’s face it – if they stick to their “challenge” the implied deal is that they will, in some way or another, hit the metaphorical “life jackpot”. That their lives will be better, more satisfying and ultimately closer to perfection.
… Goddammit how am I supposed to perform under those conditions!
I want to concentrate on the big stuff. You know there’s a good chance that I could the year that gay marriage is legalised? Both 2012 AND 2013 had a crack at it but neither of them quite made the grade.
I could totally BE that year! That’s the kind of year people remember – that’s the kind of year that puts you in the history books for fuck sake.
Or I could be the year Spotify finally achieves world domination over iTunes – I mean it’s not in the same league but I’d still be happy with that as a legacy …
HR: Well yes, they’re both admirable goals for Year to aspire to…
2014: … but I can’t afford to take my eye off the ball.
I’ve been talking to 2013. I thought he did a pretty good job this year. But all you have to do is take a look at Twitter and man, the punters are CRUCIFYING him out there.
I tell you, everything from their failed diets to their fucked up interpersonal relationships is his fault. It’s harsh – really harsh.
And if I get a natural disaster? I’m going to have my hands full enough without people wanting to level up because they’ve made it through 6 months of “clean eating” whatever the fuck that is. Or, god spare me, achieved 12 months of “mindfulness”.
I mean if you’re a sentient being I think you’ve pretty much got that last one covered unless you’ve magically morphed into a fucking ROCK since the previous year…
HR: I’m sorry 2014 I’m going to have to stop you there.
2014: What! I thought you said this was the place to discuss my concerns? I haven’t even started on the wellness challenges out there…
HR: I did, but the fact is you’re out of time.
2014: What do you mean?
HR: What I mean is, you’re on. Right…..
2014: Oh Fuuuuuccckkkkkkkk…….
Happy 2014 people.. ready or not it’s here to stay! Hope it’s your best year yet 🙂
And thank you so much once again for continuing to hang out with me here. You will never know what it has meant to me xx