Mental Geographic

I mentioned in a recent post that I have world class procrastination skills. If something’s a bit hard or unpleasant then why not put that fucker off for as long as you can?

But sometimes procrastinating about bigger stuff is not really fine at all.

Bills don’t go away if you ignore them (which doesn’t mean I haven’t given it a red hot go), and if you put off planning for the future indefinitely, the odds are that the future will probably reward your lack of interest by being pretty crap.

So these days when it comes to the big stuff I try to do the right thing. Take care of business. Be a grown up.

However before I could step up on to the podium and claim my adult mickey-badge there was one last big source of procrastination I had to face.

Mickey Badge small

My health.

Now before you panic and think the worst, everything is more than likely to be just FINE.

Without going into too many morbid details I get very nasty hemi-plegic migraines. The effects are similar like a stroke – I lose feeling down one side of my body and when I try to talk all I can manage is slurred nonsense.

This, combined with a family history of strokes including a member of my immediate family, meant that it was prudent for me to have a couple of tests to check out what was going on in the old noggin.

Again no cause for alarm – just a look see to make sure there wasn’t anything they should be monitoring up there.

Anyway true to form I’d been procrastinating. For a few years actually. Yes, you can all shout at me in the comments.

But then about 2 weeks ago I got a bad one.

It scared me and worst of all it scared my boys. It made me think about what it would be like if I really got sick or incapacitated.

And suddenly it all became very clear. I looked into three pairs of big worried brown eyes and I realised I owed it to them to be as healthy as possible.

So last week I bit the bullet and went and had an MRI.

Somehow I managed to fight the initial surge of claustrophobia and not freak out like a cat in a sleeping bag. As I became acclimatised to the smooth white interior of the giant donut they put you in I thought, “This could actually be quite peaceful. I could even have a little nap!”

That was before the NOISE! Thuds and whirrs and beeps and shudders of all kinds assaulted my ears. If you can imagine a dance party inside a washing machine then you’re pretty close.

Anyway,  I got the actual scans back straight away and because no-one told me not to I thought I’d take a peak.

Apparently this is what my brain looks like on the inside…

What my brain really looks like...

What my brain really looks like…

I have to say I found the experience of looking at my own brain deeply weird.

And also a little… creepy.

The sausage-like white masses, swirling shadows and wriggling black curlicues all looked vaguely spooky.

Like somewhere zombies would live.

So to stop myself freaking out completely I decided I’d try to create my own literal “mind-map” as a way of reclaiming the interior landscape of my brain.

I did some research and found out which sections of the brain controlled certain functions, and then added the various bits and pieces of my personality where I thought they’d fit in.

I also changed the colour scheme. I decided gelato-inspired pastels were much cheerier than misty grey and fathomless black.

Here is the final result…

What I think the inside of my brain looks like :)

What I think the inside of my brain looks like 🙂

Much livelier don’t you think?

And here is some info about who’s in who in the zoo in my brain…

The Cerebrum
In charge of thinking, processing, logic, emotions and getting shit done. This is where “I” live – my personality which is represented by the sane and polite looking lady in the blue shirt. The Sensible thoughts also live in this area since they are generally behind any attempts to “get shit done”.

No I don’t know what the sparrow is doing in there but I must say I’m not really surprised.

The Cerebellum and Brain Stem
The are in charge of fine motor sills and also of the unconscious processes like breathing, heart beat etc. These are the shift-workers of the brain, doing the night shift to keep the show running after the rest of the mind has clocked off. Doing the vital things that we take for granted.

The Cerebellum is also in charge of fine motor skills, which for me means speed texting and getting tiny splinters out of chubby little feet.

The Thalamus
Receives and sends signals. Like a satellite dish only smaller. Does not pick up Foxtel which is probably for the best as I suspect I would immediately fall into suspended animation, while mentally catching up on all the Game of Thrones episodes I am yet to see.

The Pituitary Gland
Ruler of hormones which are in turn in charge of telling bits of the body to do certain things at certain times. They are the winged messengers of the brain, only occasionally becoming the “mad banshees” of the brain for women at certain times of the month.

I don’t really know what they do for you fellas except make you hairy and horny.

Maybe they are the “70’s Porn Stars” of the brain for you?

The Amygdala
This area could literally be re-named “The Ministry for Love & War”, as both love and aggression originate here.

You will also notice that Ms Bad Ass likes to hang out in this area as well, as she is usually present when I a) fly of the handle and lose my temper or b) get that loving feeling (if you know what I mean ;))

The Hippocampus
This is the main area that our memories are stored. A chest containing all my history and the events that have made me who I am. As you can see they are stored in an old style locked chest, representing that there are some things you can’t “back-up” on an external drive.

There’s only one creepy creature that I had to include – The Defeaters.

Similar to Harry Potter’s Dementors (although obviously not trademarked to JK Rowling!) The Defeaters are the doubts, the second guesses and self-defeating thoughts that hold me back and occasionally paralyse me into total inertia.

I wish they didn’t exist but unfortunately there are the odd few lurking towards the back of my mind. They are prolific breeders though, and require constant vigilance to ensure they don’t multiply out of all control.

My never-fail solutions to kick their ass when I feel them starting to gain a foothold in my thoughts?

Spend time talking with and listening to my boys. Their imagination, humour and excitement about the world and all it’s possibilities is so infectious that The Defeaters literally shrivel up and die in the bright light of their optimism.

Defeaters-1

Anyway, I’m going back to the doctor this week to get the scans decoded.

I only procrastinated about it for a few days so that’s not too bad relatively speaking. The mental image of three pairs of big brown eyes looking at me while I was prostrate on the couch is proving to be all the motivation I need.

And if he finds out what the sparrow is doing in there I’ll let you know 😉

What the F#%? Friday – Vol. 2

Hello fellow connoisseurs of the random and ridiculous!

Welcome to What the F#%? Friday.

What the Fuck Friday - Header

Some quick house keeping to start with.

It has been brought to my attention that some of my lovely readers are allergic to Facebook! I hadn’t taken this into consideration at all – probably because I’ve been a Facebook user for so long myself, whereas I’m much newer to twitter, pinterest etc.

So thanks to the eagle eyed Oculus Mundi for gently suggesting that some people may prefer to tweet their pics instead.

And major thanks to Marti from Chronicles of Melonhalla for creating an official hashtag #WTFFriday.

Right, that’s enough idle chat. Let’s bring on the What the f#%? for this Friday

1. Orchestral Manoeuvres in the … Gym?

We’ll start with one submitted by Kylez at A Study in Contradictions.

Now I must admit I HATE those workout compilations where they take a perfectly goods song and ruin it by adding synthesisers and a doof-doof beat. But I had seriously never considered this as an alternative…

A little Beethoven really gets me in the zone!

A little Beethoven really gets me in the zone!

2. It’ll fix what ails you 🙂

This one was posted on Facebook by the lovely Paula. Considering she’s just had a little girl not long ago I suspect she probably doesn’t need fertilising right now…

Epsom Salts - apparently there's nothing they can't do!

Epsom Salts – apparently there’s nothing they can’t do!

3. The AGONY!

If What the f#%? Friday was a competition (and it may be in the future so stay tuned :)) then this would have been this week’s winner!

This one is brought to you by Tegan at Musings of the Misguided

I really have no words for this one… except maybe ZOMG OOUUUCCHHHH!

Makes my eyes water just thinking about it!

Makes my eyes water just thinking about it!

4. And finally, here’s my contribution to the What the f#%? Friday files…

Graffiti spotted by me on the back of a public toilet door

Graffiti spotted by me on the back of a public toilet door

A HUGE THANK YOU TO TEGAN, PAULA AND KYLEZ! Your keen eye or the random has certainly made my day 🙂

If these WTF pics gave you a chuckle then why not join in? If you see something that makes you raise an eyebrow, giggle, or shake your head in confusion then THAT is the stuff we want!

All you need to do is take a quick snap of the WTF and then send it to me via…

Facebook by posting it on The Very Inappropriate Blog’s wall

Twitter using the #WTFFriday hashtag

Email at theviblog@outlook.com

Happy Friday 🙂

Procrastination 101

Well it’s only Monday and this week’s already fucked.

No I’m not being a negative Nancy. It really is. And I’ve decided that’s OK.

Don’t get me wrong – I did start out with some pretty ambitious plans for this week. The Sensible Thoughts had been in and had a good long look at last week and decided that we really should get our act together.

They had taken stock of the overflowing washing basket, feral children and pile of unopened envelopes suspected to contain bills and decreed, in quite definitive terms, that next week would be THE WEEK.

The week when the shit (all of it) in all areas was comprehensively gotten together.

Specific sub-decrees also made by The Sensible Thoughts regarding this week included:

1. Family budget drawn up which will rigorously account for all expenses
Even if that does mean coming to terms with the alarming amount of disposable income which is spent on coffee.

2. Adopt a “clean as you go” approach and do some housework each day.
This will replace the current policy of leaving it all until the weekend, by which time it has assumed such epic proportions that I am totally demoralised before I even begin.

3. Come up with a plan for educational excursions & stimulating activites to do with the boys
Rather than chasing them off the computer every 5 minutes by bellowing “For god sake go outside an run around” like some kind of demented Field Marshall.

Their over all message was simple and to the point…

The Sensible Thoughts giving it to me with both barrells

The Sensible Thoughts giving it to me with both barrells

So what happened I hear you ask?

Well as you’ve probably guessed I am a world class procrastinator.

I have an endless supply of things I can do to put off the things I SHOULD be doing.

Traditionally my favourite method of procrastination was reading. Being a quiet activity it allowed me to fly under the radar both at school and at home, giving the outward appearance of doing something useful while actually disappearing into the world of fiction.

These days my go-to procrastination activities include hanging around on various forms of social media and this blog. Special mention must also go to my boys who FORCE me to procrastinate by watching endless screaming goat videos on YouTube and also the “Duck Song”…

The Duck Song 2

If this doesn’t give you an earworm for DAYS then I don’t know what will.

In all honestly my procrastinating time is pretty limited these days.

As a parent and partner with a full-time job I tend to deal mostly in imperatives – things that must be done, that cannot be negotiated, avoided or even compromised slightly.

However life wasn’t always like this.

I was the type of vague and day-dreamy child that was always going to be better than most at avoiding the shittier parts of reality.

My procrastination tendencies probably reached their peak during the pre-kids years of my late adolescence and early twenties.

Whole days spent devouring novels instead of exam cramming.

Golden pub afternoon that dissolved in the warmth of cheap beer and bad pool.

Sleeping until 10 am… actually make that 11.00 am.

And while I can’t see myself returning to that peak state any time soon I am still regularly visited by Ms Screw-it who banishes The Sensible Thoughts with a well timed…

Ms Screw-it, looking uncannily like myself as a teenage dirt-bag :)

Ms Screw-it, looking uncannily like myself as a teenage dirt-bag 🙂

So that’s why I’ve decided it’s ok that this week is already fucked.

I’ve rather defer a few of the things I should be doing to spend a little more time doing the the things I love.

Delaying housework.

Putting off comparitive analysis of competing health fund premiums to ensure we are getting the most bang for our buck.

Losing the opportunity to have my tax return lodged on time.

Dodging the washing to spend the whole afternoon playing “Monocoly” with the boys.

Living life between the lines.

Rachel x

The Mission: Bloglovin here we come!

Alright, I’m going to ask you all to bear with me here for the next few minutes as I embark upon an extremely serious mission. 

This mission involves me going to a dark, scary place to attempt to do something that’s way beyond my capabilities.

That’s right people… I’m in THE BACK END!!!!!!!!

Of the blog that is. No need to freak out because you think I’m giving you a blow by blow of my Sunday night entertainment. You people and your dirty, dirty minds…

To be honest I’d rate my chances of success as marginal to say the least. The fact that it’s Sunday night, I’m knackered from doing shitty housework all day and, and I have no wine are all strong indicators on the side of failure.

However if, just IF, the manoeuvre I’m attempting to pull off is successful, then something wonderful will happen.

I’ll be part of the Bloglovin universe and I can expose a whole new audience to The Very Inappropriate Blog.

Hooray! My plans for world domination modest success will be one step further to fruition (Muhahaha ^^ !)

So anyway to complete the mission I’ve been instructed to paste some code into a new post. This is the tricky part, so here goes nothing…

<a href=”http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/5578323/?claim=pju42pvymku”>Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

BOOM!

Phase 1 of the mission has been successfully completed,  but we won’t know the ultimate outcome until I hit publish.

So wish me luck… and for God’s sake after all this palaver PLEASE go and check out www.bloglovin.com and follow The Very Inappropriate Blog.

Don’t let this enormous amount of fucking about be in vain 🙂 

 

Fridays on my mind

Well it’s Friday folks, but before you relax and take another sip of that latte there’s something important you need to know…

THIS is no ordinary Friday.

Oh no my friends, because THIS Friday marks the start of something new.

I’ve been thinking for a while the average Friday is perfectly pleasant, it could do with a little improvement.

A little pizazz.

A little… inappropriate, really!

The answer to this dilemma had eluded me until last week when I happened to be driving in an area of Brisbane I was unfamiliar with.

I guess this must have made me more aware of my surroundings than I usually am, because suddenly inappropriate things started jumping out at me from EVERYWHERE!

Shop names, signs, number plates, car stickers – all gloriously and wonderfully bizarre. It was then that I knew EXACTLY what Friday’s needed to achieve their true potential.

So without further ado I’d like to introduce you to the solution…

What the Fuck Friday-2

What exactly is “What the f#%? Friday”?

A celebration of the inappropriate, the ridiculous and the just plain bonkers! This is going to be a regular post (hopefully) and I’d like as many of you to join in as possible.

You see it every where – questionable numberplates, suburb names that suggest the locals are always high, translations into English that have gone terribly wrong, weird vegetables, strange knick-knacks. The list is endless.

Basically if you see anything, ANYTHING that makes you stop for a second and go “What the F#%?” then that’s what we’re after. If it makes you piss yourself laughing, even better.

Why Friday…?

Everyone likes a bit of distraction at the end of the week! Shockingly, there are some employees out there that actually use the fact that it’s Friday to do less work than usual.

Although not me obviously…

Also I’d like to do a shout out to any colleagues of mine who may be reading this.

The best colleagues a girl could… aahh who am I kidding? They work with me day in day out – they are better placed than anyone to know exactly what I’m like, and no amount of disclaimers will convince them otherwise!

(besides… those in glass houses etc.)

OK I’m in! How do I get started?

1. Always be on the look out for the “random” in the world. Think you won’t find any? Believe me once you start looking that shit is every-where!

2. Take a quick snap on your smart-device *See the helpful diagram above for technique 😉

3. Post that pic on The Very Inappropriate Blog Facebook Page ASAP!

No passing GO or collecting $200 you hear?

NOTE: If you’re in a shop or there are people around be polite and be respectful with your photo-taking. We are having a bit of fun but we certainly don’t want to be assholes!

Ok so now you know what to do I want to see all the bizarre shit YOU can find on your travels!

In the meantime here are a few of my recent favourites…

This is the pic responsible for my Friday epiphany!

This is the pic responsible for my Friday epiphany!

Nope not even a little bit

Nope not even a little bit

It never ceases to amaze me what people will put on number plates.

It never ceases to amaze me what people will put on number plates.

Happy Friday peeps!

Dietary Anonymous – the hidden tapes

Good evening everyone, how are we doing tonight?

*muted conversation, broken by the sound of chairs scraping as they are drawn into a circle*

Great, that’s great. Ok let’s get started here. Take a seat everyone, and feel free to grab a tea or coffee…

Yes Melinda we have soy milk…

*pause* … and almond milk…

*sigh* … of course we have rice milk Melinda. This is a safe place remember?

But great work on being assertive about your requirements – you’re really making progress!

OK now we’re all settled I’d like to welcome you to…

DA Heading 1

Dietary Anonymous – or DA as we like to be called.

I’m happy to see a few new faces in the group. If this is your first DA meeting I’d like to extend a whole-hearted welcome. We’re so glad you’ve found your way here!

To those of you who are regular attendees welcome back! Great to see so many familiar faces.

So who’s here tonight?

Have we got any allergies?

Yep OK I can see we got a couple of Pea-no’s. For the newbies that’s our lingo for those with peanut allergies – don’t worry you’ll catch on as we go.

We’ve also got a couple of shelfish allergies who prefer to identify themslves as NSOTB’s – which of course stands for “No Shrimp on the Barbie”.

Have we got any Intolerances?

Any Gluten intolerances or coeliacs? What about other intolerances? Dairy, eggs?

No Melinda, intolerances to jerk-offs like your ex-boyfriend Giles are still not recognised.

… Because DA is about dietary intolerances i.e. things you EAT.

*grimace* … well if you did eat him Melinda then I can’t say I have much sympathy for you! Besides that’s a matter for a different kind of support group altogether.

What about non meat-eaters?

Any “morally opposed to animal slaughter” or “just find the whole meat thing a bit icky” vegetarians? Yes? Great, welcome, welcome.

*pause*

Ok I’ve just noticed we’ve got a few of our more… uhhmm… hard-line members here.

For those who are new I’ll explain…

Some of our members are so passionate about their particular dietary requirement that they’ve actually formed militant splinter groups to support their cause.

In the past we’ve had some pretty serious in-fighting between the two major gangs – Vegan Vengeance and the Gluten Gang.

I can see there are a some members from both gangs here tonight. Sorry people but I’m going to have to ask that you don’t wear your colours into the meeting.

We’re all here to draw strength from common struggle and I will not tolerate a turf war here in our neutral space.

Two Tribes 2

And on that note I’d like to take this moment for all of us to connect with our higher power.

Let’s all join hands with our neighbours and recite the “Dietary Prayer”:

“Lord give me the strength to not eat the things that I have chosen not to eat, the serenity to accept the things I am not able eat and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I think for the remainder of this meeting we’ll focus on our Creed. The Creed is a set of principles that we use to help maintain strength and conviction in our dietary requirements, in a world that often doesn’t understand us…

DA Heading 2

1. I will at all times emanate an air of superiority towards the mere mortals trapped in their meat, gluten, dairy peanut eating hell.

This superiority shall comfort me when I go to yet another restaurant and am forced to order the “Roast Vege Stack” AGAIN, while knowing full well that it consists of everything that was left at the bottom of the Head Chef’s vegetable store chargrilled beyond recognition so it will look “rustic” as opposed to “stale”.

2. I will stand firm in the face of taunts regarding the hypocrisy of wearing leather shoes while refusing to eat meat.

I will only condescend to the level of my tormentors briefly to deliver such crushing blows as …

“I know you are but what am I?” and…

“A stinking meat-eater says what?”

3. I will be the one person at any office morning tea or birthday celebration that refuses the cake with a saintly “Oh no, not for me thanks, it’s got gluten in it” causing everyone who has just broken their diet to have said cake to be consumed with guilt.

This rule may be overlooked if it is decided the cake in question looks exceptionally yummy, or if it has been purchased from a particularly expensive patisserie.

4. I will treat with forbearance any dick-heads that ask if they can “have a go” of my Epi-pen.

Stabbing these people in the eye is NOT the answer… no matter how tempting it may be.

5. When eating in public I will show solidarity with my dietarily-challenged comrades by only eating organic vegetables, soy products and lentils.

Vegetarian and Gluten Free

Even if at home my diet mainly consists of oven chips, Nutella from the jar and vodka.

6. I will reserve the right to RSVP to functions indicating that I require a special meal.

From that time hence I will set about a lengthy dialogue with the venue to ensure that my meal is prepared by virgins who will undertake to wash each ingredient thrice in the purest mineral water before adding it to my meal.

And when I then and then do not turn up to the said function, know that I have wreaked vengeance for all of you my dietarily afflicted brothers and sisters!