What the F%#k Friday – Happy New Year Edition!

Hello and welcome to the first What the F%#k Friday of 2014! I couldn’t think of a better way to kick off the first Friday of theNew Year than with a a bumper edition of the random and ridiculous from my WTF files.

I was going through said files during the holidays and discovered some photos I’d completely forgotten about!

And since a couple of my mates have recently contributed a some beauties that I’ve been dying to share I felt I had no choice to share them with the world. You know, just in case the internet ever runs short of weird and crazy shit.

So without further ado…

Number Plates #2 – AKA “The Wanker Olympics”

There are so many number plate WTFs. JUST. SO. MANY!

In fact I could probably fill several posts entirely made up of with the bad, sad number plates I see around the place. I won’t though, because you could lose your faith in the human race entirely after reading a post like that.

So I’ve decided to focus on quality, and have re-named this section “The Wanker Olympics” in recognition of the fact that if you’ve made it here then you’ve managed to achieve truly world class levels of wankery indeed…

GOLD MEDAL: BMWs

BMW have taken out the gold not just based on the following examples, but also on the fact that they were also featured in the last WTF post which you can read here

H8ers Gonna H8

Oh yeah, we be H8’n. SUCH a burden being in the highest tax bracket and having to support all the plebs…

Captain Obvious

In case you were wondering, this is his Beamer.

SILVER MEDAL: Audi

Although they are a newcomers to the Olympics Audi have made a very strong start, proving that they are competitors to watch in upcoming events…

Like a Natural Disaster…

Oh yeah… can you feel it baby? I’m gonna rock your world like an earthquake…

BRONZE MEDAL: Mercedes

A solid effort here from Mercedes, who might have scored higher if the standard of the other competitors hadn’t been so high…

I guarantee that this person is actually not very posh at all because truly posh people, like Duchess Michael of Kent for example, do not need to TELL people they are posh. They just ARE.

Stickers

Still on the auto theme, car stickers give every day punters the chance to be a wanker without going to the expense of personalised number plates.

1. A Wagon on a Mission

I’m not sure what the owner of this vehicle is trying to achieve. It’s a bog standard tradie van – possibly owned by and electrician by the looks of all the cables inside. But there’s one thing that, as a woman, I can say with complete confidence…

This wagon is full of tools, the biggest one being the owner.

There has never been, nor will there ever BE, any fanny in that wagon

2. Nanna’s Revenge
The problem with kids today is that they grow up, have kids and then expect their parents to be on-call babysitters. Grandparents today never get a moments piece what with all the picking up and dropping off they do!

But one Nanna got smart. She realised that if the grandkids were too embarrassed to get in the car then she might get her life back…

Nanna shows she’s had 40 years experience embarrassing kids = and she’s not afraid to use it.

The score is now Nanna: 1 / Adult Children & Grandkids: 0

Signs

The world of signs provides rich pickings for a WTF hunter such as myself. Here are some of the best ones I’ve seen…

1. A New Kind of Quiche

Until now the French have traditionally dominated the Quiche market, bringing the world classics such as Quiche Loraine, Quiche Florentine and many more.

But the culinary world better get ready because Australia is finally ready to bring their own very special Quiche to the world..

I was with my partner Brook when I tok this picture. He was MORTIFIED and suddenly became very interested in the soft drink fridge at the other end of the cafe lol!

2. Brisbane’s Biggest Bargain!

Look it’s a great price. Nobody, I think, would argue with that. It’s just that “value for money” would not necessarily be what I was looking for when contemplating this… procedure

The cheapest cut in town…

3. The Royal Antediluvian Order of the Buffaloes

I have no idea what the Buffaloes do in their *snigger* Victory Temple, but I just BET it involved a secret handshake! I seriously had no idea places like this existed.

Also FYI antediluvian is my new favourite word.

Where do I sign up?

4. Sleep is REALLY important.

You really do want to get a healthy sleep. Because otherwise you’ll end up next door…

Seriously, you don’t want to end up next door

International WTF

There’s been a few pics and memes going around lately about westerners getting tattoos in Asian languages that pretty much translate to “foreigners are dickheads” and “how’d you like some Hep C with that tattoo?”.

So in the spirit of lighthearted international banter I thought I’d feature two AWESOME WTFs my friends captured in various parts of Asia…

The Magic Ingredient

It will be a very sad day indeed when I can pass up a poo joke. Because it will mean I am dead!

This awesome WTF was captured by my friend while on holiday in Thailand. And as she pointed out to me, cooking with Poo has been such a hit that this is the SECOND edition of the book!

Something to think about the next time your ordering something random in a Thai restaurant…

Random Adult Breast-Feeding

Now before we start I want to make it clear that I have NO views whatsoever on the subject of extended breast-feeding. Basically their your boobs and you can do what you like with them.

But even so this has got to be one of the most bizzarre things I have ever seen – a true WTF in every sense.

Possibly the best WTF ever!

This photo was taken by my friend Bree on a recent trip to Singapore, at a place called Har Paw Villa. Apparently it’s a trippy semi-religious theme park created by the brothers who invented Tiger Balm!

Well we’re nearly at the end of the first What the Fu%#K Friday (I TOLD you it was a bumper edition!), but there are just two more random WTFs that I’d like to leave you with.

Wizard!

This came up in the “People You May Know” section of LinkdIn. I had no idea there were marketing practitioners whose powers were so great they have gone over to the dark side…

Harry Potter is the least of your worries…

ALL HAIL THE MULLET DUCK!

He is the Billy Ray Cyrus of the poultry world.

Wishing you all a magnificent 2014 full of the random and ridiculous 🙂

I am 2014

*Subdued knocking*

HR: Come in!

* Shuffling noises from behind the door, which remains closed *

HR: Helloooo? I said come in!

2014: Oh hey, sorry I just… I wasn’t sure if you were the right person to…

*swallows audibly*

… I have some concerns about my role and I uhhh … wondered if I could discuss them with you?

HR: (kindly) Of course you can! That’s exactly what I’m here for. What’s on your mind?

I have some concerns about my role…

2014: Well as you know I’ve been in the Anno Domini internship program since I graduated two years ago, and I’ve loved every minute of it. I mean I’ve always wanted to be a Year ever since I was a kid so getting into the AD program was like a dream come true for me.

HR: OK before we go any further let me just pull your file… *roots around in filing cabinet*

Here it is!

(reads) Intern for the Year 2014. Graduated with honours in your Bachelor of Time Studies degree, excellent performance reviews from all your managers during your time at AD…

Sounds like your on your way to a very promising career!

2014: Yeah see that’s just it. I’m due to go “live”, as we say, tomorrow and I’m not sure I’m ready.

I mean the expectations people are putting on me are huge. HUGE! People I’ve never even freakin’ met are placing the entire responsibility for their future happiness on me. That’s a heavy burden man…

HR: Yes but you KNEW that this was going to happen. The “Managing New Years Expectations” unit in the intern program covers this extensively. Every year we’ve ever produced has had to go through this baptism of fire in their first month but the research has shown conclusively that by the end of January expectations have once again returned to manageable levels.

Essential reading for all AD interns

I understand it’s daunting but you’ll be fine, really you will! And we’re all here to support you so…

2014: With all due respect I’m not sure you’re right about that.

See it’s not just about resolutions anymore. Oh no these days it’s all about “challenges” that are specifically designed to last the full 12 months!

HR: (smiling indulgently) We’ve seen those come and go before. It’s usually fitness related am I right?

Or there was that one a few years ago about being grateful every day? That was a bit worrying for a while. But it was just so IRRITATING we figured it would never really take off.

I mean if you’re going around spouting off about everything you’re grateful for, you’re going to come off like some kind of demented Mary Poppins. Only more smug. You’d be lucky to have a friend left by the end of the year and even your family would probably be screening your calls…

2014: Oh no it’s still alive and well, as well as a million others. I’m not afraid to say quite frankly that it’s got me terrified.

People might actually start seeing these things through. And let’s face it – if they stick to their “challenge” the implied deal is that they will, in some way or another, hit the metaphorical “life jackpot”. That their lives will be better, more satisfying and ultimately closer to perfection.

… Goddammit how am I supposed to perform under those conditions!

I want to concentrate on the big stuff. You know there’s a good chance that I could the year that gay marriage is legalised? Both 2012 AND 2013 had a crack at it but neither of them quite made the grade.

I could totally BE that year! That’s the kind of year people remember – that’s the kind of year that puts you in the history books for fuck sake.

Or I could be the year Spotify finally achieves world domination over iTunes – I mean it’s not in the same league but I’d still be happy with that as a legacy …

HR: Well yes, they’re both admirable goals for Year to aspire to…

2014: … but I can’t afford to take my eye off the ball.

I’ve been talking to 2013. I thought he did a pretty good job this year. But all you have to do is take a look at Twitter and man, the punters are CRUCIFYING him out there.

I tell you, everything from their failed diets to their fucked up interpersonal relationships is his fault. It’s harsh – really harsh.

And if I get a natural disaster? I’m going to have my hands full enough without people wanting to level up because they’ve made it through 6 months of “clean eating” whatever the fuck that is. Or, god spare me, achieved 12 months of “mindfulness”.

I mean if you’re a sentient being I think you’ve pretty much got that last one covered unless you’ve magically morphed into a fucking ROCK since the previous year…

HR: I’m sorry 2014 I’m going to have to stop you there.

2014: What! I thought you said this was the place to discuss my concerns? I haven’t even started on the wellness challenges out there…

HR: I did, but the fact is you’re out of time.

2014: What do you mean?

HR: What I mean is, you’re on. Right…..

NOW!!

2014: Oh Fuuuuuccckkkkkkkk…….

Happy 2014 people.. ready or not it’s here to stay! Hope it’s your best year yet 🙂

And thank you so much once again for continuing to hang out with me here. You will never know what it has meant to me xx