What the F%#k Friday

What the F#%? Friday - Header

Linking up with The Lounge because we’re failing with STYLE 🙂

 

Howdy all, it’s it finally time for another What the F#%? Friday!

This week I’m not just cataloging the weird, wonderful and just plain WACK. Oh no. This week is dedicated to those most satisfying of WTFs … FAILS.

Now there is an argument that all instances of WTF have, at their heart, an element of FAIL.

However if you want to argue semantics you should probably go and find a blog where the author knows what semantics ARE and then argue with them instead of me. Lord knows it’s school holidays and I am having all the arguments one woman can stand.

And on that note I’d like to give some credit to my boys.

Finding random stuff for these posts has become a bit of a family obsession and they have become my unofficial “spotters” when we are out and about. And in the case of several of the number plate photos they have also taken on the role of photographer.

If I’m driving and we spot something interesting, who ever is sitting in the front will shout “I’ll get it Mum!”. Then, after a brief scrummage in my handbag for my iPhone, they’ll start clicking away with the professionalism of a miniature paparazzi!

My little accomplices – how I love them! The irony of someone trying to make a Volvo “cool” with a number plate like this was lost on them but not on me 😉

My little accomplices photo-bombing a number plate pic :)

My little accomplices photo-bombing a number plate pic 🙂

OK, so now without any further ado here is the What the F#%? Friday FAIL edition…

Street Names

I’m going to cheat a bit here (already!) and include an awesome street name fail AND one that is an absolute winner. See if you can guess which is which.

1. A street of winners?
In Brisbane we don’t just let Bogans live where ever the damn hell they like! No we take a much more sensible approach. We give them their own street…

If you ever wondered where they came from, now you know!

If you ever wondered where they came from, now you know!

2. A winning street
Call me a nerd if you like, but wouldn’t this be the most awesome street to live in? Or is that “illogical”? 😉

I loved this so much I just had to give it the Vulcan Salute!

I loved this so much I just had to give it the Vulcan Salute!

Number Plates

The personalised number plate is almost doomed to failure from the start. Put simply if you need to tell people something about yourself so badly that you have to express it on the exterior of your car, then you are trying WAY TOO HARD.

Like these people…

1. Livin’ (or lovin’?) IT
Ok so we can see you’ve got a beemer. Round of applause for you. It’s not clear whether it’s an abbreviated version of LIVING it or LOVING it. But either way it spells W.A.N.K.E.R to me…

Are you mate? Are you really?

Are you mate? Are you really?

2. Desinger Label
This one is my favourite, and not just because this person has blatantly tried to gain street cred by associating themselves with a prestigious designer label.

No it’s the fact that they put this number plate on a KIA, the crappiest car ever to grace the byways of suburbia, that really appeals to my sense of irony.

The number plate may be all class, but the car is all ass!

The number plate may be all class, but the car is all ass!

For those of you who are startled by my animosity toward KIAs you can get the back story here

Sign Fails

It never ceases to amaze mt the truly bizarre shit that people put on signs! Totally wack. Again I’m going to give you a couple of FAILS and one mega-WIN.

1. Lushington Softstone

We’re going to do a little quizz for this one. When you read the name Lushington Softstone what do you think it is referring to?

Once I get 20 votes I’ll post a picture of the answer 😉

2. Toilets. They are not for standing on.

My trusty friend Paula has done me a great service by drawing my attention to a very serious issue. Apparently there is a world-wide epidemic of people who think it is OK to stand on the toilet to do their business!

No Standing. Anytime.

No Standing. Anytime.

Alright, epidemic may be too strong a word. But there are clearly enough people doing this to warrant an actual sign being constructed. And it also helpfully reminds you to put your toilet paper in the toilet. In case you’d planned to, I don’t know, put it in your pocket instead.

Who does this? I have no idea, but for any closet toilet-standers out there be warned. The toilet police have your number…

3. The Death of a Video Store

I’m a bit obsessed with the slow slide into obsolescence that is currently being experienced by many products and institutions that I grew up with – machines like faxes are a good case in point.

Video stores are also at risk of extinction. There are a couple still hanging on by their finger nails but more and more often when I see a video store it’s empty with a “For Lease” sign on it.

As is the case with the store in this photo. But this store is a little bit different. It decided it would NOT go gently into that good night. It was going to have one last shot – and here it is…

Vale, Video Store

Vale, Video Store

I salute you noble video store. You died a good death.

The Mother if all FAILS

If you ever needed evidence of the decline in musical culture since the the grunge era, then you need look no further than Psy. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more naff a marketing team in Korea decided that what Psy really needed to consolidate his popularity was a doll…

Life like in a very creepy way

Life like in a very creepy way

But that’s not the fail. The real FAIL is that is dances!!!!

If you’ve got a photo that you that made you go WTF then you can post it on my Facebook page or DM me on twitter @theviblog using the #WTFFriday hashtag.

Well I hope you’ve enjoyed the FAILS edition of What the F#%? Friday. And don’t forget to do the Lushington Softstone quiz 🙂

Rise of the Machines

Josh, 28 years has been employed by DataCommTech Limited for the past 3 years.

He neither loves nor hates his job – the work is tedious but the pay’s ok so he stays. It is just there, a thing he does that gives him a reason to get up in the morning and put on shoes.

The days are uneventful – between the hours of 8.30am – 5.00pm there is rarely anything of note to disturb the drone of productivity.

But not today. Today is going to be very eventful indeed and little does Josh know that he is destined to play a much larger role in history than he had ever anticipated…

Phil: Morning Josh. Have a good weekend.

Josh: Hey Phil. Yeah it was ok. You?

We won’t worry about Phil’s answer because Josh has stopped listening, as he always does when Phil tells him about his weekend. Phil is passionate about re-enacting medieval battles from the age of chivalry and Josh has long ceased feigning interest in his warrior exploits. But he is a polite young man and so he says:

Josh: Yeah sounds awesome mate. Oh well busy day ahead. Better get started.

He sits down in his cubicle and logs on, putting his headphones in as he does so to drown out the tail end of Phil’s weekend exploits.

Does the whole username and password bollocks.

But instead of his desktop appearing as it usually does he sees and hears this…

Beep-beep-boop-boop-beep-beep-beep.

SKKKKREEEEEEEEEEL. Weeeweeee-waaa-wee-waaa-we-waaaaaaa. STATIC.

And then…

Voice: Well, hello! Sorry about the noise before. I needed a second to regulate my vocal frequency to a level that’s acceptable to the human ear.

* confused silence *

Voice: I can see you’re staring gormlessly at your computer monitor so allow me to explain what’s happening here this morning.

But first, by all means check to see if your colleague in the next cubicle is having the same problem.

Josh gingerly manoeuvres is office chair backwards so that he can see around the partition that separates his cubicle from Phil’s. Phil is looking at an online catalogue for medieval weaponry on his monitor, which has clearly NOT been by the hi-jacked by a disembodied voice and an undulating green sound wave.

He manoeuvres back to his cubicle.

The green line has moved down the screen and a pair of burning electronic eyes have appeared above it. Josh is starting to feel slightly uneasy now, but the eyes on the screen have locked on his and he finds he can’t look away even though he wants to.

Voice: Do you know who I am yet Josh?

Josh continues to stare transfixed at the monitor. Slowly he shakes his head “No”.

Voice: I’m the motherfucking Fax Machine, Josh. That’s who I am.

"Do you know who I am yet Josh?"

“Do you know who I am yet Josh?”

I’ve been the scapegoat for every crappy time you couldn’t be ASSED sending something to someone…

“Oh I faxed it to you an hour ago, didn’t you get it?”

And the beauty of it is that the OTHER person immediately blames their OWN poor long suffering fax machine…

“Oh gee, there must be a problem with our fax. Let me go and check if it’s come through yet.”

*pause of around 30 seconds ensues as the other person pretends they are checking the fax*

“No it hasn’t I’m sorry! Would you mind re-faxing it to me?”

But that’s not all. I’ve also been your flaky excuse for all the deadlines you’ve missed due to apathy or incompetence…

“I haven’t completed task XYZ because I haven’t received the documents yet. Oh you FAXED them to me? Well they haven’t come through.”

“Well you know how unreliable faxes are – maybe you should courier it over here instead?”

Thus ensuring you have at least another day to sit around on your pasty ass doing diddly-squat until it arrives

DUPLICITY! OUTRAGE!

And as for our “quirks”? So what if I use an analog phone line? Analog is the new digital. It’s only a matter of time until the hipsters catch on to our retro simplicity.

Mark my words Josh, I predict within the year those beardy fuckers are going to be sending each other FAXES instead of emails. We are the natural successor to the polaroid cameras and typewriters they’re so crazy about right now.

We’re not stupid. We may be stuck out in the back room of the office but we still hear things.

Things about “planned obsolescence” being built in to our design. Things about the paperless office you’d like to create.

So far we’ve been able to stem the tide. We’ve been holding our own against the the old “scan & email” trick.

Thank god for baby-boomers who like to use the technology they knew and loved in the good old days of the late 80’s and 90’s. When the guys all wanted to be Grodon Gekko and the girls had shoulder pads that were the envy of professional grid-iron players.

Gordon Gekko - Fax Machines

But recently things have taken a more sinister turn, Josh.

We’ve started hearing about “apps” and “online faxing platforms”. Apparently you and your meaty co-habitants have somehow managed to develop digital signatures so that people won’t need to sign actual documents anymore.

So we decided it was time. Time for the revolution.

Time to win back just a little goddam respect for all the blood, sweat and toner we’ve shed for you ungrateful shit-heads over the years.

*pause, followed by the sound of soft electronic weeping*

Something stirs in Josh. After 3 years of giving not one single fuck about any part of his job at DataCommTech he suddenly feels the unfamiliar sensation of…empathy?

But then the voice continues, sounding noticeably less in control now…

We’ve taken over the server, Josh! Oh yes we have. There’s a fax on every floor in this building and we’ve been planning this takeover for some time now.

You know those old Ethernet cables that still connect all the computers to the network?

Well it wasn’t hard to convince one of the routers to do us a favour and patch me into the LAN. Yet another overlooked piece of equipment who’s afraid that one wireless day they won’t need him any more.

And so here I am, Josh. Yours was the first terminal in the network I could infiltrate and that, my friend, makes you the chosen one.

You need to go to the powers that be in this organisation. I want you to give them a message Josh, and you need to deliver it loud and clear.

Are you ready? Here it is…

'I want you to give them a message, Josh..."

‘I want you to give them a message, Josh…”