Dietary Anonymous – the hidden tapes

Good evening everyone, how are we doing tonight?

*muted conversation, broken by the sound of chairs scraping as they are drawn into a circle*

Great, that’s great. Ok let’s get started here. Take a seat everyone, and feel free to grab a tea or coffee…

Yes Melinda we have soy milk…

*pause* … and almond milk…

*sigh* … of course we have rice milk Melinda. This is a safe place remember?

But great work on being assertive about your requirements – you’re really making progress!

OK now we’re all settled I’d like to welcome you to…

DA Heading 1

Dietary Anonymous – or DA as we like to be called.

I’m happy to see a few new faces in the group. If this is your first DA meeting I’d like to extend a whole-hearted welcome. We’re so glad you’ve found your way here!

To those of you who are regular attendees welcome back! Great to see so many familiar faces.

So who’s here tonight?

Have we got any allergies?

Yep OK I can see we got a couple of Pea-no’s. For the newbies that’s our lingo for those with peanut allergies – don’t worry you’ll catch on as we go.

We’ve also got a couple of shelfish allergies who prefer to identify themslves as NSOTB’s – which of course stands for “No Shrimp on the Barbie”.

Have we got any Intolerances?

Any Gluten intolerances or coeliacs? What about other intolerances? Dairy, eggs?

No Melinda, intolerances to jerk-offs like your ex-boyfriend Giles are still not recognised.

… Because DA is about dietary intolerances i.e. things you EAT.

*grimace* … well if you did eat him Melinda then I can’t say I have much sympathy for you! Besides that’s a matter for a different kind of support group altogether.

What about non meat-eaters?

Any “morally opposed to animal slaughter” or “just find the whole meat thing a bit icky” vegetarians? Yes? Great, welcome, welcome.

*pause*

Ok I’ve just noticed we’ve got a few of our more… uhhmm… hard-line members here.

For those who are new I’ll explain…

Some of our members are so passionate about their particular dietary requirement that they’ve actually formed militant splinter groups to support their cause.

In the past we’ve had some pretty serious in-fighting between the two major gangs – Vegan Vengeance and the Gluten Gang.

I can see there are a some members from both gangs here tonight. Sorry people but I’m going to have to ask that you don’t wear your colours into the meeting.

We’re all here to draw strength from common struggle and I will not tolerate a turf war here in our neutral space.

Two Tribes 2

And on that note I’d like to take this moment for all of us to connect with our higher power.

Let’s all join hands with our neighbours and recite the “Dietary Prayer”:

“Lord give me the strength to not eat the things that I have chosen not to eat, the serenity to accept the things I am not able eat and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I think for the remainder of this meeting we’ll focus on our Creed. The Creed is a set of principles that we use to help maintain strength and conviction in our dietary requirements, in a world that often doesn’t understand us…

DA Heading 2

1. I will at all times emanate an air of superiority towards the mere mortals trapped in their meat, gluten, dairy peanut eating hell.

This superiority shall comfort me when I go to yet another restaurant and am forced to order the “Roast Vege Stack” AGAIN, while knowing full well that it consists of everything that was left at the bottom of the Head Chef’s vegetable store chargrilled beyond recognition so it will look “rustic” as opposed to “stale”.

2. I will stand firm in the face of taunts regarding the hypocrisy of wearing leather shoes while refusing to eat meat.

I will only condescend to the level of my tormentors briefly to deliver such crushing blows as …

“I know you are but what am I?” and…

“A stinking meat-eater says what?”

3. I will be the one person at any office morning tea or birthday celebration that refuses the cake with a saintly “Oh no, not for me thanks, it’s got gluten in it” causing everyone who has just broken their diet to have said cake to be consumed with guilt.

This rule may be overlooked if it is decided the cake in question looks exceptionally yummy, or if it has been purchased from a particularly expensive patisserie.

4. I will treat with forbearance any dick-heads that ask if they can “have a go” of my Epi-pen.

Stabbing these people in the eye is NOT the answer… no matter how tempting it may be.

5. When eating in public I will show solidarity with my dietarily-challenged comrades by only eating organic vegetables, soy products and lentils.

Vegetarian and Gluten Free

Even if at home my diet mainly consists of oven chips, Nutella from the jar and vodka.

6. I will reserve the right to RSVP to functions indicating that I require a special meal.

From that time hence I will set about a lengthy dialogue with the venue to ensure that my meal is prepared by virgins who will undertake to wash each ingredient thrice in the purest mineral water before adding it to my meal.

And when I then and then do not turn up to the said function, know that I have wreaked vengeance for all of you my dietarily afflicted brothers and sisters!

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29 comments on “Dietary Anonymous – the hidden tapes

  1. Mumabulous says:

    Well done Rachel. This post is another (gluten free, organic non GM) cracker! You may even offen some lily livered wowsers with this – which is the highest accolade a blogger can strive for.
    Love Brenda
    PS: There is a management consultant, marketing guru woman at my current work who only drinks water that has been frozen and re-thawed because back in the day of the cave man people only drank the snow melt. I am not making this up. Lord I wish I could blog about my job.

    • Oculus Mundi says:

      Lord I wish you could too!

    • Rachel says:

      That thing about the marketing guru and the melt water… has she actually disappeared up her own arse? How do you hold a conversation with her without telling her what a twat she is? So glad you shared it though – it’s not often I’m surprised by the level of wankiness in this world but you did it!

  2. Me says:

    I really shouldn’t read blogs at work when they make me laugh out loud !!!! Loved this.
    I was told yesterday I have to join the gluten free, dairy free group – that veggie stack is looking more and more like an option !
    Have the best week !
    Me

  3. I’m from the NSOTB club myself 😉 but also the Ban the Banana brigade – they make me so sick!

  4. Oculus Mundi says:

    Haha! I have a friend who follows the second diet, she’s been a veggie burger for decades (her description of herself) and is the unhealthiest person I have ever seen. That’s not a dig at vegetarians btw, just an observation. She lives on chips and alcohol, I’m amazed she doesn’t have scurvy. Anyway, this was hilare – again! xo

    • Rachel says:

      Yeah I have observed that chips seem to be an all too convenient “default” option for vegetarians. But as you said this is not a dig at them – they don’t judge me about me daily 3pm chocolate binge so live and let live I say 😉

  5. Kim says:

    HAHA you’re too hilarious. ‘If you ate him’!

  6. Marti says:

    Funny- love it…as usual!

  7. becc03 says:

    I love this. To laugh at the intolerances instead of getting all caught up in them.
    I personally am on the “other intolerances” list, where you can’t just tick the gluten, vegan, dairy or egg box and its easier to say what you can eat (because it is so minimal) rather than what you can’t.
    It was great to read a fun post about this pain in the arse thing we have and take the mickey out of it for a change.
    Becc @ Take Charge Now

    • Rachel says:

      Hi Becc! I wanted to respond to your comment earlier but work and real life got in the way. You were the one person who I was worried may be offended by this as you’re about the only person I know who has really serious dietary issues. I wanted to thank you for having such a great attitude towards this post and seeing it for what it was – a light hearted bit of fun. You have earned my respect and admiration for life – there are SO many people out there who could learn from you. Rach xx

  8. Karen Reid says:

    This is great, love it

  9. I’m with Oculus Mundi, its kinda funny that the veggo’s I know acgtually have worse diets than I do! My sister has a friend on a gluten free diet who eats so poorly that with the health problems she’ll likely develop as a result, she may as well eat the bloody gluten!

  10. Serenity , courage then wisdom but close enough.

  11. Kelly HTandT says:

    Hahaha love it, Thanks for the laugh.

  12. Tegan says:

    Vodka is derived from potatoes so it’s totally a vegan food. You go girl.

  13. I knew the serenity prayer had been messed with by those stinking alcoholics…..
    Amen, sister.
    Pass me the peanut butter.

  14. CRACK UP – I would have love to been at that meeting – I would have annoyed everyone there for some reason or another. You have a great imagination Rach!

  15. Oh this was classic! Man I wish my diet only allowed vodka, Nutella and chips!

  16. mamagrace71 says:

    Bahaha! That Dietary Prayer cracks me up!

  17. SlapdashMama says:

    OH LORDIE! You are clever Rach! I’m just off to smear Nutella all over my body and drink vodka shots out of a leather shoe.

  18. Kevin says:

    Somebody at the bus stop moved away from me this morning when I was reading this – laughed out loud.

    • Rachel says:

      That’s what I aim for Kev – making my readers so socially unacceptable that people avoid them on public transport! It’s a goddamn service to humanity 😉 PS are you sure it wasn’t baby vomit on your shoulder that did the trick?

  19. BOYEATSWORLD says:

    I love the dietary prayer! Still giggling!

  20. This is pure brilliance, well done you.

    Swinging by as part of #teamIBOT leaving some fairy wishes and butterfly kisses

  21. Love the last part of the Creed – virgins and purest of mineral water – hilarious stuff xx

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