Hi, hello, come in! I’m Marty Sanderson, Senior Account Manager.
Welcome to Celestial PR & Marketing!
First off, I just want to thank you so, so much for giving our agency the opportunity to pitch for your account.
I must confess I’ve always wanted to meet you in person – I just never thought I’d get the opportunity in this life-time!
Sorry just a little joke there, couldn’t resist.
… Do I think that’s funny?
Well sure I…no, I guess I don’t
I’ve been playing a fair bit of phone tag with your assistant Michael trying to set this meeting up. You, sir, are a devil of a man to pin down!
*silence… and crickets*
… well obviously not literally, I just meant… we’re just really glad you were able to fit us in.
Ok so to start with I thought I’d give you a little background on what we do. Celestial PR & Marketing is a boutique agency with a very unique specialty…
We provide public relations management and re-branding for Gods.
Gods, goddesses, demi-gods, deities, divine beings, holy spirits – we do them all. Basically, if you live in the sky and no-one can categorically prove that you exist then we’re your guys!
Here’s just a few of the services we can provide…
1. Media Relations & Reputation Management
Many celestial beings these days suffer tremendous damage to their reputation, simply because they do not have a media crisis plan.
We can’t stress this enough – when you have to leave the delivery of your teachings and the administration of your church in the hands of human agents you NEED to be prepared for some pretty major customer service “fails”.
All it takes is one previously loyal follower who’s been stiffed by one of your not so worthy priests/rabbis/ayatollahs/bonzes and suddenly you’ve got yourself a bona fide media crisis.
You’ve got a Today Tonight camera shoved in your face while you’re trying to reveal a vision to a group of teenagers in the Czech Republic.
And believe me – you don’t want that.
2. Branding Strategy
Do you want to grow your following? Save humanity from eternal damnation? Or are you simply aiming for world domination – the ultimate goal of any celestial being?
You need a strong brand to cut through the clutter. At Celestial PR & Marketing we specialise in creating a brand-image that truly expresses who you are as a God.
Strong and fierce? Loving and forgiving? Wise and enlightened? It’s up to you!
3. Social Media
Look, these days any deity who really wants to “engage” with their followers needs to leverage the power of social media. You’d be surprised how many Gods can whip up a miracle on a piece of toast but don’t know how to update their profile picture on Facebook!
Not to mention the eternal question – if a miracle does not appear on Instagram does it really exist?
Seriously dude, if you’ve gone to the trouble of making your face appear on a piece of toast you need to be Instagramming the fuck out of that shit!
…Yep, sorry about that… got a bit carried away there with the blasphemy I guess…
*sound of rolling thunder*
… No sir, it definitely will NOT happen again
But the best way for us to demonstrate exactly how we can revitalise your brand is to show you our portfolio of current clients.
It’s a pretty star-studded list if I do say so myself!
Look he’s controversial, I won’t deny it. But he’s achieved amazing cut-through in his chosen target market and is experiencing a steady growth in followers. Although we do try to dissuade him from encouraging his followers to actually cut through things… like hands and stuff. It’s a work in progress!
A smart marketing decision to align him with the greatest Grunge band of all time is still paying dividends today. For a guy who got his start from falling asleep under a tree we’ve helped him become the God of choice within his target markets which are:
1. Festival Attendees – both new-age and music segments
2. Beardy Vegetarian Types – a small but important segment of the “Intellectual Wankers” market
But I saved the best until last…
The most successful example of our total re-branding package is Thor.
Oh sure, he’s everywhere these days, but people forget he’d spent the previous 1500 years at the bottom of the celestial barrel.
No followers. No profile. I’m talking ground zero here.
But then Thor made the decision that saved his holy career – he came to see us here at Celestial PR & Marketing.
We started with his image – got him a couple of deep conditioning treatment for that crazy Viking hair he had going on.
He also had some kind of horrible old cloak thing made of out bear skins – we got rid of that too. “You’ve got a body,” we said to him, “Do you know how many Gods would kill just to HAVE a body at all?”
So we put him on to these great protein shakes, got him a personal trainer and before you know it BOOM – old Thor had become the God of “phwoarrrr”!
Anyway you know the rest – we landed him his own feature film project and then negotiated him a sweet role in The Avengers. He is totally on track for achieving his goal of “most recognised God within the 18 – 25 demographic”.
So I know what you’re thinking now.
You’re thinking “Well that’s just great, but what are these guys going to do for ME?”
Don’t worry we’ve got a marketing and PR plan that is going to put you back on the map.
We had a look at some of your key messages and 2 things stuck out. First of all, you’re all about being “The One” aren’t you? You know you’re “Alpha and Omega” and your also “the one true God”.
Secondly you also mention on more than one occsion that your followers need to follow you in a particular direction. For example, you are “the WAY, the truth and the light” and ask your followers to walk with you along the “path to righteousness”.
When you put these two things together the answer is obvious…
OK I can see you’re not totally buying it but just hear me out. They’ve got Harry (the cocky one), Louis (the good-looking one), Zayn (the bad boy), Niall (the nerdy one) and Liam (the one nobody remembers).
So what I’m thinking is you join the band as…
God – “the spiritual one”. I know – it’s brilliant, right?
I’ve made some enquiries and with the boys’ management and they are super-keen. We’ve even come up with some creative to show you how this might work for you..
What do you think?
* sky darkens … a strong breeze ruffles papers on the boordroom table *
God? God? Are you there God?
* howling winds… thunder … cracks of lightening *
Why hast thou forsaken me?
* office door slams… then silence*
Holy shit… I think we just lost God.