The Pitch

Hi, hello, come in! I’m Marty Sanderson, Senior Account Manager.

Welcome to Celestial PR & Marketing!

Celestial small

First off, I just want to thank you so, so much for giving our agency the opportunity to pitch for your account.

I must confess I’ve always wanted to meet you in person – I just never thought I’d get the opportunity in this life-time!

Sorry just a little joke there, couldn’t resist.

… Do I think that’s funny?

Well sure I…no, I guess I don’t

I’ve been playing a fair bit of phone tag with your assistant Michael trying to set this meeting up. You, sir, are a devil of a man to pin down!

*silence… and crickets*

… well obviously not literally, I just meant… we’re just really glad you were able to fit us in.

Ok so to start with I thought I’d give you a little background on what we do. Celestial PR & Marketing is a boutique agency with a very unique specialty…

We provide public relations management and re-branding for Gods.

Gods, goddesses, demi-gods, deities, divine beings, holy spirits – we do them all. Basically, if you live in the sky and no-one can categorically prove that you exist then we’re your guys!

Here’s just a few of the services we can provide…

1. Media Relations & Reputation Management
Many celestial beings these days suffer tremendous damage to their reputation, simply because they do not have a media crisis plan.

We can’t stress this enough – when you have to leave the delivery of your teachings and the administration of your church in the hands of human agents you NEED to be prepared for some pretty major customer service “fails”.

All it takes is one previously loyal follower who’s been stiffed by one of your not so worthy priests/rabbis/ayatollahs/bonzes and suddenly you’ve got yourself a bona fide media crisis.

You’ve got a Today Tonight camera shoved in your face while you’re trying to reveal a vision to a group of teenagers in the Czech Republic.

And believe me – you don’t want that.

Today Tonight. They watch... and they are always there

Today Tonight. They watch… and they are always there

2. Branding Strategy
Do you want to grow your following? Save humanity from eternal damnation? Or are you simply aiming for world domination – the ultimate goal of any celestial being?

You need a strong brand to cut through the clutter. At Celestial PR & Marketing we specialise in creating a brand-image that truly expresses who you are as a God.

Strong and fierce? Loving and forgiving? Wise and enlightened? It’s up to you!

3. Social Media
Look, these days any deity who really wants to “engage” with their followers needs to leverage the power of social media. You’d be surprised how many Gods can whip up a miracle on a piece of toast but don’t know how to update their profile picture on Facebook!

That bad "selfie" you're using for your profile picture? It has gots to go my friend...

That bad “selfie” you’re using for your profile picture? It has gots to go my friend…

Not to mention the eternal question – if a miracle does not appear on Instagram does it really exist?

Seriously dude, if you’ve gone to the trouble of making your face appear on a piece of toast you need to be Instagramming the fuck out of that shit!

*pause*

…Yep, sorry about that… got a bit carried away there with the blasphemy I guess…

*sound of rolling thunder*

… No sir, it definitely will NOT happen again

But the best way for us to demonstrate exactly how we can revitalise your brand is to show you our portfolio of current clients.

It’s a pretty star-studded list if I do say so myself!

Allah
Look he’s controversial, I won’t deny it. But he’s achieved amazing cut-through in his chosen target market and is experiencing a steady growth in followers. Although we do try to dissuade him from encouraging his followers to actually cut through things… like hands and stuff. It’s a work in progress!

Bhudda
A smart marketing decision to align him with the greatest Grunge band of all time is still paying dividends today. For a guy who got his start from falling asleep under a tree we’ve helped him become the God of choice within his target markets which are:

1. Festival Attendees – both new-age and music segments
2. Beardy Vegetarian Types – a small but important segment of the “Intellectual Wankers” market

buddha-1

But I saved the best until last…

The most successful example of our total re-branding package is Thor.

Oh sure, he’s everywhere these days, but people forget he’d spent the previous 1500 years at the bottom of the celestial barrel.

No followers. No profile. I’m talking ground zero here.

But then Thor made the decision that saved his holy career – he came to see us here at Celestial PR & Marketing.

We started with his image – got him a couple of deep conditioning treatment for that crazy Viking hair he had going on.

He also had some kind of horrible old cloak thing made of out bear skins – we got rid of that too. “You’ve got a body,” we said to him, “Do you know how many Gods would kill just to HAVE a body at all?”

So we put him on to these great protein shakes, got him a personal trainer and before you know it BOOM – old Thor had become the God of “phwoarrrr”!

thor before and after

Anyway you know the rest – we landed him his own feature film project and then negotiated him a sweet role in The Avengers. He is totally on track for achieving his goal of “most recognised God within the 18 – 25 demographic”.

So I know what you’re thinking now.

You’re thinking “Well that’s just great, but what are these guys going to do for ME?”

Don’t worry we’ve got a marketing and PR plan that is going to put you back on the map.

We had a look at some of your key messages and 2 things stuck out. First of all, you’re all about being “The One” aren’t you? You know you’re “Alpha and Omega” and your also “the one true God”.

Secondly you also mention on more than one occsion that your followers need to follow you in a particular direction. For example, you are “the WAY, the truth and the light” and ask your followers to walk with you along the “path to righteousness”.

When you put these two things together the answer is obvious…

ONE DIRECTION!

OK I can see you’re not totally buying it but just hear me out. They’ve got Harry (the cocky one), Louis (the good-looking one), Zayn (the bad boy), Niall (the nerdy one) and Liam (the one nobody remembers).

So what I’m thinking is you join the band as…

God – “the spiritual one”. I know – it’s brilliant, right?

I’ve made some enquiries and with the boys’ management and they are super-keen. We’ve even come up with some creative to show you how this might work for you..

The new look "One Direction". Now with God as "the spiritual one"

The new look One Direction. Now with God as “the spiritual one”

What do you think?

* sky darkens … a strong breeze ruffles papers on the boordroom table *

God? God? Are you there God?

* howling winds… thunder … cracks of lightening *

Why hast thou forsaken me?

* office door slams… then silence*

Holy shit… I think we just lost God.

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29 comments on “The Pitch

  1. mumabulous says:

    This is a piece of blog brilliance! I’d like to hire you to work on Campaign Crumpet.

    • Rachel says:

      There’s a certain something about the name “Campaign Crumpet” that makes me think it would be right up my alley – you can count me in!
      PS. Did you like how I managed to work in a gratuitous Thor shot? I know, I know… it’s not your fave Mr Hiddleston but at least it’s from the same movie 😉

  2. OMG the pic of God with One Direction was all I needed from this whole blog to make my day. I don’t know about God, but the Catholics could use a PR firm…oh wait, they’ve got conclave. That seems to work every time. Everyone suddenly becomes a devout Catholic waiting to see the face of their new leader. -Aroha (#teamIBOT)

    • Rachel says:

      LOL thanks Aroha! The Catholics have done a pretty average job of thier own PR in recent years – maybe they NEED and agency like Celestial to sort them out. Only thing is marketing can only do so much – it can’t fix the problems on the inside only those on the outside.

  3. Ness says:

    Hahaha AWESOME! Love it! Any ideas for bogans too?

    • Rachel says:

      Not yet Ness but you’ve given me food for thought. A bogan re-branding is long overdue – we need to take that name back and make it awesome again 🙂

  4. Lydia C. Lee says:

    I think all of the above would benefit with a good PR & Social media campaign…imagine the motivational tweets inspiring you by phone…and maybe scare off all the weird porn chicks. And they could BUY followers…(I might stop now in case I offend anyone) Sorry.

    • Rachel says:

      *snort* Buying followers – I wish I’d thought of including that!! It’s such a shonky thing to do I reckon it would have fitted in perfectly with the new branding strategy 🙂

  5. the last line is brilliant – what an incredible perspective – love the images and love the Thor example xx
    Josefa from #teamIBOT

  6. You funny f*&ker you – and despite the fact I’m a universe not a god girl – I LOVE the humour in this, and the perve. You’re a very switched on writer R x Em

    • Rachel says:

      I’m a universe girl myself 🙂 And thanks for the compliment – it’s nice to hear because ATM I’m going on instinct and my own entertainment as a guide to what I should be writing!!

  7. Love it – all of Olympus should be showing up at your door right about now!

  8. […] posts of HUGE note are Thoughts from the first few months of parenthood and the pitch where she discusses a very clever addition to the band “one […]

  9. SarahMac says:

    Oh my freaking GOD! I mean ALLAH! Or ONE DIRECTION! Seriously. You are out of control. Out of bloody control you hilarious creature.

    • Rachel says:

      LOL Sarah I reckon that even if you were the only person reading this blog I’d keep writing it just for you! So nice to find some one else who inhabits the same mental world as me 🙂

  10. Carla says:

    LOL…so clever!! And I would also like to comment Thor……*sigh*……..

  11. becc03 says:

    I love your work (particularly the Thor campaign – just brilliant).
    You have no fear do you. It is a credit to you that everyone who commented has seen the obvious humour and hilarity in this post.
    Keep them coming (yes, even the food intolerance ones). I love a good chuckle!
    Becc @ Take Charge Now

    • Rachel says:

      Thank you so much Becc – you can’t imagine how much it means to me to get e comment like this.

      At one point early on I nearly decided not to write these kind of posts – they make it difficult to fit into a “niche” and some people will just find them plain weird. But I enjoy this type of writing so much I thought “fuck it” if people don’t read it or think its odd then too bad because these are the stories I want to write!

      And luckily there ARE people like you who really get it – and believe me comments like yours make it so worthwhile. Rach xx

  12. BOYEATSWORLD says:

    Brilliant work. I’d sign you on the spot. If The Big Guy doesn’t get back to you, there’s a glut of deities out there who could do with a Celestial PR makeover. Take Ganesha. There is a deity with a serious image problem. Perhaps Celestial could help him with the number of a good rhinoplasty surgeon. And then have him played by a shirtless Ryan Gosling in a Hollywood blockbuster. 😉

  13. EmmaK says:

    The Mormans make their own pr. Their religion is so zany that just hearing about it makes me aware of it. Those mormon underpants are so great but I think they could get sweaty on the beach http://1857massacre.com/MMM/mormon_underwear.htm A religion where you can’t drink coffee in case it turns you on is never going to fly with me tho!

    • Rachel says:

      I am not familiar with the special underpants! This warrants further investigation. And I’m with you on the subject of coffee – it is essential to basic functioning in my body!!

  14. Mary could definitely use your pr services. I only recently found out that she was a slut and let’s just say I have never been able to look at her the same way since http://mommyhasaheadache.blogspot.com/2008/09/mary-was-slut.html

  15. I remember this Rach and it’s made me laugh the second time around 🙂 Hope to catch up with you in person soon – and have a drink and a belly laugh 🙂 xx

  16. Brilliant post! I teach SoR in a high school, this is right up my alley.
    great writing

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