I am the Phoenix

Broadcast Transcript

Jonesy: Hey guys, this is Jonesy here for the Drive Time Show here on Brisbane community radio 4GEN-X.

Voice Over: We put the “great” into the greater Brisbane area!

Jonesy: Today we’ve got a special guest for our Local Legend celebrity spot!

It’s The Phoenix and he’s here with his manager Dax Darkson…

Phoenix: Yeah, hi it’s me The Phoenix here…

Jonesy: Now for our listeners at home who may not be familiar with your legendary status, maybe you could tell us a little bit about yourself?

Phoenix: *whisper* … Jesus who is this ass clown? I thought you said he was a professional. Yeah, yeah I know I need this gig. But jesus Dax, all the same…

Well I’m THE Phoenix. You know, the one that rose from the ashes? Yep that’s me.

The Phoenix - from his official portfolio

The Phoenix – from his official portfolio

Jonesy: Wow rising from the ashes! That must have been quite an experience; how was it for you?

Phoenix: How was it? Well… it was… hot.

Jonesy: He he he, I’m sure it was! But seriously… such a huge transformation must have had an impact on you… (lowers voice to “sincere” setting) How did it make you feel?

Phoenix: Well Jonesy, to be quite honest with you and your *snigger* esteemed listeners I’m kind of pissed off.

Nobody actually asked me if I wanted to be a phoenix. And for the record – I didn’t.

I mean, why would I? I basically live for somewhere between 500 to 1000 years then suddenly my time is up and I have to build a nest out of cinnamon.

Jonesy: (pause) Cinnamon? As in the spice?

Phoenix: Yes you heard right. Fucking cinnamon – as in the quills not that ground shit. As a nest buidling material cinnamon quills would not be one of my top five choices, in fact it wouldn’t even be one of my top 25 choices!

They’re so tiny I pretty much had to raid every supermarket from Cairns to Coolangatta to find enough of those little Masterfoods packets to do the job. It sucked!

In a recent survey it was found that 9 out of 10 Phoenixes rated cinnamon quills as "very poor" as a nest building material.

In a recent survey it was found that 9 out of 10 Phoenixes rated cinnamon quills as “very poor” as a nest building material.

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Jonesy: Sure, I can see how that might not be fun.

But Phoenix, you’re immortal. There are probably plenty of listeners out there who’d think that building a nest of out cinnamon is a pretty small price to pay for being able live forever…

Phoenix: Dude…I was ON FIRE!! And totally NOT in a good way. It fucking killed man! And as if that’s not enough, during this hideously painful experience because I also have to give birth to myself.

Yeah that’s right. And to make sure you get the fucking significance of exactly how much fun this WASN’T I will spell it out for you…

Giving birth.

While on fire.

The real kicker is that I have the pleasure of doing this over and over again at regular intervals UNTIL THE END OF TIME!!!

If that is not the most fucked up shiz you ever heard then I don’t know what is.

Does this look like fun to you?

Does this look like fun to you?

Jonesy: Ok I can see we hit a nerve there Phoenix but let’s just keep those f-bombs for later…

Phoenix: I thought you said you wanted to keep it real. You said that to me 10 minutes ago in the pre-interview briefing. That was me keeping it fucking real OK?

Jonesy: … because after the show we’ll be heading on down to Flannery Flanagan’s Irish Bar at the Pleasant Hills Tavern!

Yep that’s right folks, Phoenix and I will be hosting the Pleasant Hills region karaoke semi-finals from 7.00pm and we’re inviting all you listeners to come on down and say hello. We guarantee it’s going to be a night to remember!

Phoenix: Uhhmm sure…

*whisper* … Dax you fucker you did NOT say anything about a promo appearance. I refuse to be seen in public with this douche-bag and I am certainly not going anywhere near Pleasant-fucking-Hills!

…There’s an extra five in it if I go? Well why didn’t you say so? Shit, I’ll go to hell itself for 5K. Which I can’t obviously because I’m immortal but you know what I mean…

…What? You meant a $5.00 drink voucher? What the shit? What drink can you even buy for $5.00 these days? After we get through this we need to have a serious talk about where you see my career going because I DO NOT think we are on the same page

Jonesy: OK our time’s nearly up but before we go there’s one thing I’m curious about. Phoenix, I may be out of line here but would you mind telling the listeners when was the last time you … ahh … gave birth to yourself?

Phoenix: Last time was 1989. So I’m still a spring chicken in this lifetime. I won’t start to peak until abut the mid-200’s – that’s when we Phoenixes really hit our prime. But that’s not to say I wouldn’t be up for some lessons from a mature-age lady bird. I could totally dig that…

Jonesy: Oh I see! So that makes you a GEN Y Phoenix. Well that explains everything…

Phoenix: Huh? What do you mean?

Jonesy: Well let’s just put it like this. We may put the “great” into Greater Brisbane, but you GEN Ys put the “whine” into “whiny little fuckers”…

Phoenix: What the fuck? You can’t invite me on your fucking show and then just insult me like that…

Jonesy: And that’s we’ve got time for today folks! Don’t forget to come on down to the Pleasant Hills Tavern – Phoenix and I will be doing “I got you babe” as a duet and you DO NOT want to miss that!

Phoenix: *mutters* oh for the love of God please don’t make me….

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12 comments on “I am the Phoenix

  1. Kevin says:

    I have no idea what I just read but I like it. Consider yourself having a new reader.

    • Rachel says:

      Thank you Kevin! It started out as a quite self-pitying train of thought about some various ups and downs we’ve been through over the past year. We’re in a pretty good place now and I’ve learnt heaps (as you do from the crap times) but I was generally in a bit of a funk thinking “Well I may be a wiser and stronger person from having been through these dificult times but who said I WANTED to be wiser or smarter?”. Petulant AND unattractive so I’m glad I was in the car where no-one could see me!

      So then I started thinking about how the Phoenix rises from the ashes of it’s former self and it occurred to me that the Phoenix didn’t get a choice either. Yes it rises triumphantly from the ashes but who said it WANTED to go through the fire?

      And somehow that translated into a GenY Phoenix with an attitude problem. I have no explanation for how that works πŸ™‚ And to be honest I did expect to meet with the roaring silence of the internet on this post so your comment about having a new reader in you has made my whole week!

      • Kevin says:

        Ok – so I am really enjoying your “stream-of-consciousness” approach! And now you explain it it all makes sense (I was always a bit slow picking things up). Keep it up – as I said – consider yourself followed!

  2. Marti says:

    Almost spat my coffee- love the whispered conversation with Dax. Funny and clever!

    • Rachel says:

      Hi Marti! Thank you for your kind words. I had a LOT of fun writing this but since it’s a little left of centre I knew it wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea. I’m glad it is yours though πŸ™‚

      I visited your blog the other day and loved it. But your descriptions of your boys match mine in a way that’s quite freakily similar. My oldest is also J who’s gentle and likes drawing (he’s 10). My second is O (yes I know starting to get weird now…) who’s 8 1/2 and he is also nicke-mnamed noise machine!! But he’s also the sensitive and affectionate with great empathy for others. My third is M who is charming and evil. He will quite confidently boss the other two if I’d allow it. We called a halt to proceedings after that!

      Anyway look foward to reading more of your posts πŸ™‚

  3. SarahMac says:

    HOLY CRAP YOU ARE HILARIOUS! I think I love you.

    • Rachel says:

      Thank you so much. As I’ve said in other comments this was not going to be everyone’s “scene” but I’m glad to have found a kindred sense of humour in you πŸ™‚

  4. […] stumbled upon the blog in February reading a post called I am the PhoenixΒ and sat in stunned silence as she wove a cutting, hilarious tale together about… a phoenix. […]

  5. Jo says:

    The Illiterate Infant sent me and I’m glad he did! There’s something about a reluctant phoenix singing karaoke at an Irish bar that resonates.

    • Rachel says:

      Hi Jo! Sorry for delayed response – I got caught up with kid stuff over the weekend. So glad you came to visit and glad you liked the Phoenix. He was fun to write.
      Anyway thanks again and hope I see you again here soon πŸ™‚

  6. Tegan says:

    Love it! Imagine if the phoenix in Harry Potter had this attitude. ‘No Harry fuck off, I am not regenerating for you, you pompous little arse’ hehe

  7. ann says:

    Hilarious, thanks for the giggle!!

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